#42 Club Culture

After a long week of slaving away for multinationals and complaining but doing nothing about it, there's nothing Malaysians love more than to hit the club scene and get their freak on, bust a move and get jiggy with it. Not necessarily in that outdated order but you know what I'm saying.

In Kuala Lumpur especially, where its denizens are awake at ungodly hours, clubs can be an interesting observation resource on the ways of Malaysian people. Typically, the revelry begins close to midnight and winds up at 3am but the real stories begin after they leave the premises. We will get to that later.

Preparation for a Malaysian club outing is simple but contains a few key areas. One thing to keep in mind is to be dressed to kill, which can sometimes yield a literal result but we won't dwell on that. Men will be dressed in expensive and identical striped shirts and enough hair product to tame a lion's mane. For the more flamboyant ones, a piece of winterwear is mandatory. Nothing screams sartorial suaveness like a scarf or sportscoat in a sweltering space designed to maximise opportunities for a meeting of minds and later, bodies. It could be the other way round but I'm pretty sure this is how it works.

In a hormonally charged environment such as this, you get to witness a lot of alpha male displays of superiority and peacock posturing. This element of pretense is necessary and an aphrodisiac to attract Malaysia's finest women. The alternative to competing is standing by the bar with the other males and ogling women until one of them responds with a terse "Not interested."

The process of selecting an outfit and final preparation for the fairer sex is a little more intricate. The overall image should symbolise class, with a hint of mischief and mystery but not be unapproachable. Yes, it's difficult but it's true, they go through this every time which is why you really need to compliment your Malaysian lady friends on their outfits to boost their infinite self esteem.

Of course, they will say that they dress for themselves and not to conform to media stereotypes or testosterone stimulant standards. As always, nod and smile politely. But the power of the right ensemble can't be denied, it could lead to a healthy relationship, everlasting love and an expense account. But you should not assume that some women are gold diggers. They're looking for something more substantial than that, like white gold. When Malaysian women reject male advances, it's nothing personal, it's just business.

There are basically two forms of activity that take place in a club. The first is drinking, which can lead to something more fruitful with the opposite sex but if it doesn't, you could always say you had a good time drinking with your buddies which is really, all you need. After saying it a few times, it gets easy. Like a spoonful of sugar, it really does make the medicine go down in a most delightful way!

Which brings us to the second activity, dancing. If your mutual intoxication results in a tete-a-tete with a Malaysian person, good for you! This up close and personal encounter will hopefully lead to something real, like a one month stand. If you're really lucky though, someday down the road you can gather your offspring and tell them why they were named Velvet and Euphoria.

In the midst of all these shenanigans, you mustn't forget to capture all these timeless moments in full photographic glory. The posterity of celluloid will supply you with endless amusement on Facebook or for slideshows at weddings. Maybe even provide those kids of yours with illustrations for the story you were telling of the night mommy and daddy first met which led to little Zouk being conceived.

At the end of the night, when the lights come on and all the drunken debaucheries and scandalous scintillations are brought into stark and often ugly reality, it doesn't mean Malaysian people will give up on the hope of having that one great night on which they'll meet a beautiful stranger and drive a foreign sports car off into the sunrise. It just means they'll have to try harder the following week. In the meantime, they'll need to recuperate from those hangovers, persistent eyebags and compromised principles. You know what they say, the night is always darkest just before the yawn.