#24 Melbourne

Melbourne, Australia is highly favoured by Malaysian people for a plethora of reasons. The city is one of the most cosmopolitan in Australia and Melbourne itself contains the largest number of Malaysians at approximately 30, 000.

Rest assured that Melbourne, along with Bali are safe and surefire conversation topics with Malaysian people. We will now examine the reasons that Melbourne is one of the most desired cities Malaysians go to to achieve the Malaysian Dream.

Given the comparatively favourable distance and exchange rate compared to the UK and the US, Australia has remained top on Malaysian people's list for foreign education. Most Malaysians first encounter Melbourne in their varsity years as they go over there to enroll in the many fine institutions the city has to offer. This influx of students over the past decade has therefore lead to a rise in Malaysian people taking up residency in Melbourne after they complete their studies.

Melbourne has many merits as a city; its rich cultural heritage, diversity, affordable cost of living, thriving seaport & automotive industry and so forth. All these factors contribute to the Malaysian person's pride of the city but in truth, they don't really matter all that much. It is only important that those things exist so that they can be used for small talk or to show off to other Malaysians. Paramount to a Malaysian's choice to live there is of course, other Malaysians (although they would never admit this).

The presence of their ilk, whether as students or working class citizens, brings great comfort to Malaysians. This means they can speak Manglish, eat Malaysian food and act out their usual Malaysian idiosyncrasies whilst occasionally rubbing shoulders with White people. Should a dalliance with a White person turn into something more substantial (ideally marriage), this would mean a Malaysian's mission in life has been accomplished and their Malaysian Dream would be complete.

Acquiring residency or citizen status in Melbourne is a proud and defining moment in the Malaysian person's life. It opens the door to a myriad of opportunities (Part-Time Malaysian status) and privileges. Chief among them is the fact that they can return home annually to tell their relatives and friends (in newly acquired Australian accent) how wonderful everything is overseas and that they should consider migrating too. Naturally, everyone will be impressed and get excited at the thought of doing so while the Melburnian Malaysian basks smugly in his accomplishment. This of course, will contrast sharply with the Malaysian's sentiments once returning to face the inclement weather and daily grind in Melbourne.

When partaking in a conversation with a Malaysian regarding Melbourne, you must be careful not to mention Sydney. Although Malaysians have an immense sense of pride for their adopted city, they are also very insecure and any implication that Melbourne is inferior to Sydney's size, pace and more modern provisions will put them in a state of depression.

If however you have committed this mea culpa, it is very easy to reverse the negative effect. Ask the Melburnian Malaysian what they think of other Australian cities like Brisbane, Perth or Adelaide. They will immediately launch into a spiel of how those cities are backwards, ethnically challenged and devoid of character. This will enable them to reaffirm their superiority and leave the conversation with a positive feeling about themselves and (to a lesser extent) you.

#8 Complaining

Malaysians are renowned for their prowess at complaining. One would think complaining orally would be enough but no, Malaysians are more creative with their verbal vitriol. Newspaper articles, radio programs and entire blogs have been set up to facilitate the Malaysian's need to vent.

A peculiar aspect of their complaints is that it is always redundant in nature. "Why is it always so hot?" is one of the more ubiquitous ones despite the permanent hot and humid weather the country experiences all year round. Another example would be "@%$# what's with this traffic today!!" when they go through the same congestion every day. More recently, the increase in fuel prices has prompted Malaysians to complain in unison which they subconsciously hope will reverse the effect of dwindling supply and defy the laws of economics.

When confronted with a situation in which a Malaysian is complaining, never point out that their point is moot. Instead, say "Whoa, I never thought of it that way. You really made an insightful observation." This statement functions in two ways; it assures the Malaysian that they are intelligent and passionate about current affairs. It also allows them to feel that their rants are an enlightening social commentary which has enriched you and is not just verbal diarrhea. Once you have sufficiently inflated the ego of the Malaysian, it is acceptable for you to take advantage by asking them to do your taxes and/or edit your thesis.