#27 Hating Singapore

Malaysia has a longstanding relationship filled with grudging tolerance and mutual animosity for its neighbouring country, Singapore. For the uninitiated, Singapore used to be a part of Malaysia a very long time ago. Some people still think they should be. But these are the same people who think divorce by SMS is perfectly legitimate.

But I digress. To help you understand, here’s an analogy: the relationship Malaysia and Singapore have is much like the relationship between the United States and Canada. Both countries are virtually the same save for one or two distinguishing factors and that they hate each other with a vengeance. If you guessed which country Malaysia is in that comparison, give yourself a pat on the back.

Malaysian people hate Singapore for various reasons. One of them is that Singaporeans are fond of claiming that they are superior to Malaysia as a country. Their basis for this postulation is their efficient public transport, totalitarian government, stringent pursuit of education and superior exchange rate. Some of these are things that Malaysians could debate but it would cause more bad than good through comparison. The usual retort of a Malaysian person is “Your country is a pirated version of ours”.

Malaysians will support the fact that they are better by stating the Malaysian origins of the hawker food which Singapore falsely acknowledges as theirs, a country much larger and richer with natural resources and the absence of laws on chewing gum. That’s it really. Of course, one could make the argument that a Malaysian may be kiasu but would never stoop to the depths that a Singaporean will. This age old question of who is more kiasu will one day be answered when both countries organize a free food eating competition to the death.

However there are a significant number of Malaysians who are constantly caught in this crossfire. They are the Malaysians plying their trade in Singapore and more often than not, are Permanent Residents. These Malaysians feel an obvious loyalty to their country of origin but are equally compelled to serve their own cause. If you should ever question the loyalty of a Malaysian living in Singapore, be prepared for a long, drawn out answer which they have prepared and perfected over time to deal with irritants like you.

This conflicted Malaysian will state that they are actually doing Malaysia a service. Although they may work in Singapore, they spend all of their hard earned money in Malaysia whenever possible. Because the exchange rate is 2:1, they are able to contribute more to the economy than the average Malaysian can. While doing this, they are also plundering Singapore’s resources and using up what natural energy that they have on a long term basis. So you see, the Malaysian living in Singapore is actually performing a national duty that is most ingenious but requires a great amount of personal sacrifice. Naturally this is something you must acknowledge.

Take this Malaysian aside and say to them “Hey, thanks. Sincerely, Malaysia”. Then grin and give them two thumbs up. This Malaysian will then return to Singapore with a smile on their face that stretches further than a Singaporean’s waistband after a buffet meal.

#24 Melbourne

Melbourne, Australia is highly favoured by Malaysian people for a plethora of reasons. The city is one of the most cosmopolitan in Australia and Melbourne itself contains the largest number of Malaysians at approximately 30, 000.

Rest assured that Melbourne, along with Bali are safe and surefire conversation topics with Malaysian people. We will now examine the reasons that Melbourne is one of the most desired cities Malaysians go to to achieve the Malaysian Dream.

Given the comparatively favourable distance and exchange rate compared to the UK and the US, Australia has remained top on Malaysian people's list for foreign education. Most Malaysians first encounter Melbourne in their varsity years as they go over there to enroll in the many fine institutions the city has to offer. This influx of students over the past decade has therefore lead to a rise in Malaysian people taking up residency in Melbourne after they complete their studies.

Melbourne has many merits as a city; its rich cultural heritage, diversity, affordable cost of living, thriving seaport & automotive industry and so forth. All these factors contribute to the Malaysian person's pride of the city but in truth, they don't really matter all that much. It is only important that those things exist so that they can be used for small talk or to show off to other Malaysians. Paramount to a Malaysian's choice to live there is of course, other Malaysians (although they would never admit this).

The presence of their ilk, whether as students or working class citizens, brings great comfort to Malaysians. This means they can speak Manglish, eat Malaysian food and act out their usual Malaysian idiosyncrasies whilst occasionally rubbing shoulders with White people. Should a dalliance with a White person turn into something more substantial (ideally marriage), this would mean a Malaysian's mission in life has been accomplished and their Malaysian Dream would be complete.

Acquiring residency or citizen status in Melbourne is a proud and defining moment in the Malaysian person's life. It opens the door to a myriad of opportunities (Part-Time Malaysian status) and privileges. Chief among them is the fact that they can return home annually to tell their relatives and friends (in newly acquired Australian accent) how wonderful everything is overseas and that they should consider migrating too. Naturally, everyone will be impressed and get excited at the thought of doing so while the Melburnian Malaysian basks smugly in his accomplishment. This of course, will contrast sharply with the Malaysian's sentiments once returning to face the inclement weather and daily grind in Melbourne.

When partaking in a conversation with a Malaysian regarding Melbourne, you must be careful not to mention Sydney. Although Malaysians have an immense sense of pride for their adopted city, they are also very insecure and any implication that Melbourne is inferior to Sydney's size, pace and more modern provisions will put them in a state of depression.

If however you have committed this mea culpa, it is very easy to reverse the negative effect. Ask the Melburnian Malaysian what they think of other Australian cities like Brisbane, Perth or Adelaide. They will immediately launch into a spiel of how those cities are backwards, ethnically challenged and devoid of character. This will enable them to reaffirm their superiority and leave the conversation with a positive feeling about themselves and (to a lesser extent) you.

#22 Short Term Memory

Malaysian people have a unique memory that is both selective and temporary in its capacity. While Malaysians possess great focus and insight for current issues, this focalization can disappear overnight and the topic will never be heard of again.

Malaysians are generally inquisitive and can provide esoteric theories (see post #2) of the latest issues that captivate the nation. Current issues entail mistreatment of Mongolian emissaries, feuding statesmen and backdoor entry policies. However, even these incidents will soon be bygones in the minds of Malaysians, almost as if they did not exist.

People in Malaysia are also generally forgetful of the things they say or do. This is most advantageous when such discrepancies come back to haunt them. Commonly heard phrases "I don't remember _____" and "Looks like me, sounds like me, but I forgot _____". After dismissing credible proof and evidence, efforts will be made to ensure all notion and history which discredits them will be swept under the carpet.

The Malaysian person's limited capacity for memory is such that a former Prime Minister of Malaysia wrote a now famous poem entitled "Melayu Mudah Lupa" (Malays Forget Easily) which has now entered the annals of Malaysian polemic literature. Ironically, said Prime Minister now experiences memory loss when questioned about dubious developments.

The Malaysian memory is therefore a medical marvel/mystery illness that biologically works in their favor and it is blasphemous for you to question their version of events.

Don't forget to remember that.

#21 Wang Leehom

In a country as diverse as Malaysia, it is difficult to identify a celebrity that is multilaterally loved by all. However, Wang Leehom is that one such artist who transcends race, religion and language.

Wang Leehom is an American Born Chinese (ABC) singer/actor who first found fame in Taiwan before whipping the whole of Asia into a fanatic frenzy. His forte is music that evokes heartwrenching emotions and oozes overwrought sentimentality which appeals immensely to Asians. Although his credentials merit the adulation he receives, we must examine why Malaysians adore him.

Firstly, he is an Asian who was raised in the States and has Western influences in his craft. He therefore embodies the Malaysian dream of growing up abroad, being Westernized and having a foreign education. This also earns him points with non-Chinese Malaysians who can't relate to other Taiwanese artists like Jay Chou. Secondly, Malaysia has been one of his most frequent concert sites which only serves to endear him more to Malaysians. But the most redeeming factors are his highly lauded 2004 duet with local songbird Siti Nurhaliza and the fact that he filmed the Ang Lee helmed movie; "Lust, Caution" in Ipoh, Malaysia. These events gave Malaysians reasons to be proud of the country (and relate it to themselves).

Wang Leehom's influence is such that his face can not only be seen on pirated CDs/DVDs and kitschy memorabilia, but his voice is also channeled through ardent karaoke practitioners throughout the country (for critical evidence of this, click here).

#20 Hitz FM

Paramount to the Malaysian person’s identity is his/her taste in music (see post #7). To evaluate a Malaysian’s music repertoire, one must also consider the factor of public radio stations. Public radio stations in Malaysia are limited at best, but offer choices for varying demographics. For the past decade or so, one radio station has pervaded local airwaves and dominated the aural attention of listeners; Hitz FM. Hitz FM proclaims itself to be “Malaysia’s No.1 hit station” through sophisticated research founded on baseless claims. Their coverage is such that they have even established their own TV channel showcasing overhyped and underdeveloped local talents as well as their effusive and affected disc jockeys.

Hitz FM is not so much a radio station as it is a pre-programmed record player. Their revolutionary strategy to win over listeners is to play the same Top 40 songs on a rotation basis every four hours or so. Although many have lamented this repetitive format, Hitz FM still retains its listener base because Malaysians are predictable and still tune in despite their complaints. Besides their pre-determined playlists, Hitz FM incorporates ingenious and original programs into their routine. One such program is the trite and tested prank call which always succeeds in bemusing the victim and listeners due to its sheer inanity.

The DJs Hitz FM employ are also crucial to their success. Banking on Malaysians veneration of foreign elements, Hitz FM capitalises on this by hiring DJs with exotic accents that captivate and convince the average listener. This foreign policy also extends to the “local” talents showcased by Hitz FM in their media efforts (see post #10 for more information). The element of pretence is extremely vital to the station’s success because Malaysians aspire to be as hip and urbane as possible, which is thereby reflected in their choice of auditory channels.

In your efforts to determine how “Malaysian” a person is, the choice of radio channel is your most indicative insight. The truly Malaysian person will only have Hitz Fm playing on his radio to show that he is into mainstream music, has no independent thoughts of his own and enjoys being part of the popular mass majority (see post #11). These Malaysian traits have been duly identified and capitalised on by Hitz FM thereby retaining their place as the premier radio station.

To connect with a true Malaysian, say how much you dig the Morning Crew’s antics and that you once aspired to be a DJ in your youth. This will put you in good standing with the Malaysian as they recollect how they too harboured such fanciful thoughts while getting their daily dose of Malaysia’s most ostentatious radio station.



Further insight on Hitz FM here.

#19 Asking About Money

One topic of discourse the Malaysian person enjoys indubitably is money. This includes asking others how much money they make, how much they paid for something, what their monthly expenses are, etc. Despite the sensitive and private nature of money to some people, Malaysians will not hesitate to prod and peruse the financial aspect of other people’s lives on a daily basis.

Inquiring about money is essential to the Malaysian’s self-confidence and assessment of others. By having intimate knowledge of someone’s earnings, the Malaysian can determine his and said person’s comparative ranking in the unseen social hierarchy. The general rule of thumb is: more money=higher status (foreigners and celebrities are exempt from this rule). Having knowledge that someone makes less money than himself gives the Malaysian great pride and assurance. However, should the Malaysian meet someone earning more money than he, his mind will be wracked with turmoil and will not rest until he reaches justification that the other person earns more because of unscrupulous methods (“I know! He must be having an affair with his boss. No one makes that much at my age!”).

Although most Malaysians can be cajoled into revealing their finances after awhile, there are some who remain steadfast in their reticence. No amount of coaxing will persuade them to loosen their restraint. This would be perfectly respectable except for the fact that the most secretive Malaysian will also be the most inquisitive.

This inquisitive Malaysian who refuses to reveal any information whatsoever regarding their money matters will nonetheless interrogate others about their fiscal situation. This type of Malaysian takes great pleasure in pursuing private information of others while retaining their own. After acquiring the facts and figures of others, the inquisitive Malaysian conducts his own assessment and evaluation. His treatment and judgment of the people whose information he possesses will then be based on the rating scale he has set in his mind.

If you encounter a Malaysian who is insistent on extracting your profit and loss statement, fabricate a figure that will leave him floundering (“I make $300k a month and I don’t even have to go to the office!”). This will leave the Malaysian flabbergasted and the knowledge will haunt him day and night. He will not bother you anymore out of insecurity, until he self-surmises that your money is the result of ill gotten gains or money laundering at which point he can feel good about himself again.

#18 IKEA

In line with the high regard they have for all things foreign, Malaysians have accorded IKEA with an unassailable position in their hearts and living rooms. From avant garde disposable lamps to collapsible chartreuse cupboards, the pursuit of the IKEA catalogue lifestyle has never been more salient.

Whilst this threatens to homogenize homes across the country and put domestic furnishers out of business, Malaysians throw caution to the wind and head to IKEA every weekend to purchase "that one item" that will make their homes, and lives complete.

By delving into the psyche of the Malaysian, one deduces that despite their quest to achieve a higher and unique social status, in reality they find comfort in homogeneity and collectivism. Although they desire to appear as individuals with good taste, Malaysians are actually consoled by the fact that thousands of others own the same paraphernalia as them thus affirming their choices and beliefs. This psychoanalysis also reveals that Malaysians relate empty space in their homes with the emptiness of their souls that they hope can be filled by Swedish furniture.

The weekend IKEA experience has emerged as a family bonding session where families brave the humidity, traffic and fellow shoppers to look for more stuff to fill their homes with. The IKEA shopper aggressively pursues ornaments and upholstery they believe will give their homes a sense of "elegance and sophistication". The experience is also not complete without consumption of Swedish gastronomic staples that are deemed exotic and quaint but prepared by local culinary talents.

If you enter a Malaysian's home and notice their IKEA adornments, commend them on the exactness of their humble abode to this month's catalogue. This will give your Malaysian hosts great pleasure and they will regard you as their new best friend.



Further insight on IKEA here.

#17 Being Late

Been waiting long? Get used to it. You've just been a victim of Malaysian timing. While other countries and cultures might have their own standards for tardiness, Malaysians definitely take the cake for being off time all the time.

While it may be customary sometimes to wait for your friends or acquaintances, Malaysians have set new standards for being consistently late. In fact, if you should make an appointment with a Malaysian, be there 30 minutes or one hour later than the time you actually scheduled. Even if you are a foreigner, Malaysians expect you to know their coded version of timing.

This problem with punctuality permeates Malaysian culture to the point that phrases such as "I'm on the way, on the way!" and "Nearby, almost there" are the most commonly heard sentences in and around the country. Malaysians will be late for job interviews, work, movies, dinner, periods you name it. However, there is an exception made for occasions that pertain free gifts or goods of any nature. These events normally evoke the early bird in Malaysians.

Given the perpetual dilatory of Malaysians, one would expect valid and even original excuses. Yet, the conciliations remain the same; traffic, work, bad directions, traffic again (both sides of highway). But what even Malaysians don't know, is that they are really late because subconsciously they enjoy the knowledge that they are the center of attention and that people are waiting for them. It makes them feel good to know people anxiously await their presence and they will milk every last possible second until they arrive (once they do, they will feign a profusely apologetic stance). By doing this, they create the illusion that they are too important to show up on time because they are busy juggling the hundreds of other events in their lives. This constant lateness lowers punctuality expectations and on a day that they actually turn up on time, their friends will be ever so grateful to them for it ("It's so thoughtful of you to show up AND be on time today!").

Malaysians also secretly revel in the fact that they have gained leverage on others because they were waited for instead of waiting for ("Yes!! I made them wait for me, suckers! I have the upper hand"). Being late is also a refined skill, like arriving late for dinner (to skip the small talk) just as the food is being served. This gives them great pleasure and allows them to personify the term "fashionably late" (although this is an oxymoron for most Malaysians).

#16 Blogs

The presence of the Internet has been both a blessing and a curse for Malaysians. Malaysians who were once repressed now have an outlet to air their feelings and thoughts through blogs. On the other hand, everyone who is anyone can air their opinions online and call themselves "writers" in their attempts to make a quick buck and get on the fast track to fame.

The Malaysian blogosphere has different standards for men and women. First we shall explore the types of blogs females keep. The typical blog kept by a young female Malaysian is her first stab at airing her emotions and thoughts which in the old days, were written in a diary. The impetus for her blog is normally a traumatic break up or a dearth of attention from society. The first type of female blogger is what we shall call the "Visual Aid" blogger. The Visual Aid blogger chronicles her life as a social butterfly, fluttering from one hip party to another and illustrates this with an endless stream of enticing pictures which are photoshopped to create dazzling cinematic effects. The Visual Aider also delights in telling you about her perfect boyfriend and how he does perfect things for her in their perfect little life. Until they break up of course, which will then result in the Visual Aider writing a long, melodramatic and grammatically challenged soliloquy. (Don't worry, they'll reconcile within two days.)

The advantage of this type of blog is that one need not be encumbered by intellectual or even grammatical deficiencies, all you need are pleasing aesthetics, a cameraman and a dictionary. Occasionally, the Visual Aider will use some words in between the pictures but this is nothing to worry about. This is to show that she is not only beautiful but also intelligent and is smart enough to incorporate puns or jokes she found using Google. This form of blog is the most popular kind in Malaysia. Some have even evolved from pure bloggers to C-list celebrities through their forays into the entertainment industry. If their vivid imagery and clever use of the thesaurus doesn't generate enough traffic, they resort to starting blog wars with other female bloggers.

The other type of female blogger is what we shall call the "Intellectual Idealist". The Intellectual Idealist does not share the Visual Aider's fondness for attention and photography but feels the burning need to vent her frustrations and dissatisfaction with the world at large through her vagina monologues. She is opinionated, very well read (Austen is her favourite author of course), has lofty ambitions and great expectations of her future partner (if he should ever come). Their blogs frequently contain phrases such as "I just haven't found a man who can fulfill my intellectual and emotional needs" or "I believe in true love. On my own terms". These tortured Intellectuals generally intimidate the average Malaysian man and represent the largest customer segment for Malaysian bookstores. They also have the potential of either becoming bitter old spinsters or members of Parliament.

Men on the other hand, are very straightforward when it comes to blogs. Due to the fact that Malaysian men generally don't read (blogs), when they do it's only for appreciation & stimulation purposes. The only niche for male bloggers to succeed is by running a personal blog that ridicules oneself and provides crude humor to the public. Alternately, you could provide a blog dispensing information on IT and technological devices, politics (high risk) or food. But bear in mind you will never garner as much traffic as Visual Aid blogs. This is because the value of blogs in Malaysia are determined not by their content, but by the traffic they generate. It is important to note that Malaysian blog readers are very loyal to the bloggers they idolise and would not dream of reading other blogs unless they have been told to do so by the ruling blogosphere elite.

It is imperative that you recognise a Malaysian blogger's efforts as nothing short of Pulitzer Prize material and that his or her musings are profoundly insightful. Anything short of pedestal placing on your part will result in a very negative post dedicated to you. Honest to blog.

Further reading on Internet phenomenon here and here.

#15 Going To The Gym

The pursuit of fitness and a healthy lifestyle has never been more prevalent in Malaysia, what with the sporadically growing number of gyms and fitness centers with thousands of people who patron them. While these attempts to achieve a sense of well being are certainly commendable, the underlying reasons are less than genuine. To most, a gym membership is simply a license to proudly exclaim "I'm going to the gym!".

Women, visit the gym to alleviate their guilt over their weight and don't actually do much exercise at the gym. But the mere knowledge of their membership allows them to overindulge at meals ("It's ok, I can have this, I'll just work it off at the gym tomorrow!") and share anecdotes with friends and colleagues ("I'm going to the gym every damn day but I 'm not losing any weight! But on the bright side, I met this really cute guy").

Men, visit the gym to satisfy their partners demands and portray the image that they have a well balanced life ("Dude, I hit the gym everyday after 12 hours at work. My body is a frickin' temple and it deserves to be worshipped!"). And of course, the opportunity to prey on insecure women with facetious praise ("You're on a diet? No way. If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?"). Having a gym membership basically allows both sexes the subconscious freedom to overeat, smoke and abuse their bodies while retaining their right to complain about their busy lifestyles ("Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a well-rounded perfectionist. Seriously, I have no time for anyone anymore").

This trend looks set to stay given the competitive nature of Malaysians to outdo one another and tendency to self-promote whenever possible. To capitalise on this, ply the Malaysian with admiration and praise ("Your gym sessions are really paying off. I could never manage my time as well as you"). This will fill the Malaysian with the acknowledgement and self-satisfaction that they desperately crave and reassures them that they are oh-so-special.

#13 Bali

Though there may be certain issues that divide Malaysians, the one subject that brings them all together is Bali. All Malaysians will at one point or another in their lives, visit the Indonesian island of Bali. The geographic proximity and generous exchange rate make it an attractive destination for Malaysians, not to mention the fact that Malaysians are more highly regarded on the island as opposed to their status at Western vacation spots.

All Malaysians who have visited the island for holiday will return with the exact same experience but believe theirs to be unique, profound and "life changing". The Malaysian will then proceed to bore his friends with stories and pictures of failed surfing attempts, temple visitations, fungi induced bouts of hallucination and of course, shopping.

Malaysians love Bali for various reasons, but chief among them is the fact that they can return home to relate how all the culture and symbolism gave them an epiphany on how they should enjoy the simplicities of life and not chase material obsessions. They will also tell you that at sometime in the future they wish to retire to live in a house by the beach in Bali and run a surf shop. This newly acquired perspective normally lasts until someone else comes back from Bali with their own inspiring story. The person who went earlier will then lament that Bali is now too commercialized, bland and "full of tourists".

When encountering a situation in which you need to start a conversation with a Malaysian, mention that you have never been to Bali before and would very much like to go. They will then rattle on about their favourite Balinese food/drink ("I acquired a taste for Bintang beer while I was there, it's the only kind I drink now") or their take on Balinese culture ("The nightlife in Kuta is way more vibrant than ours. Nights out just aren't the same for me anymore") but it will be completely about them. This is to your advantage as you do not need to speak and they will like you for letting them talk about themselves as well as allowing them to feel superior to you since you have not been to Bali.

If you have been somewhere more exotic and unexplored than Bali, don't mention it as you will ruin the Malaysian's moment.

#6 Shopping

For some cultures and people, shopping is seen as merely a utilitarian or functional activity to acquire goods, products or services.

Malaysians however, take shopping far, far more seriously. The average Malaysian spends half his time at the mall, effectively making it his or her second home. The copious amount of time spent here does not necessarily correlate with purchases made; the mere notion of shopping is enough to thrill and occupy the Malaysian for hours on end. Malls are therefore built large enough for people to spend the whole day wandering around aimlessly.

The Malaysian does not purchase items without intense scrutiny of quality and price and is a very shrewd consumer. The pinnacle of the Malaysian shopper's experience is the year end Malaysia Mega Sale where the phrase "The whole of Malaysia is on sale!" can be taken literally. This shopping frenzy caused by the sales attracts not only millions of Malaysians, but also foreigners from various countries eager to take advantage of the low prices, variety and exchange rate. This overlooked tourist attraction in fact contributes tremendously to the Malaysian economy as foreigners purchase enough goods for stores to survive until the next sale comes along.

A typical sales event sparks frenzied scenes of people shouting, jostling and rushing to gain leverage over other shoppers. An inexperienced shopper or someone unaccustomed to sales events should never enter such a situation unarmed and unprotected. Rabid shoppers will not hesitate to trample, maul or maim you should you get in their way.

Seasoned, experienced shoppers have mastered the art of shopping over time and are well informed about events even before any form of advertising appears. Expert Malaysian shoppers are wont to compare bargains they acquired and scoff at people who pay more than they did for similar items. The true Malaysian shopper lives by this golden rule; never purchase anything if it isn't on sale.

#5 Food

Malaysia'a most sacred and precious commodity is it's culinary heritage. In Malaysia; identifying the best food, cooking of food and reviewing it is considered an enlightened art form only undertaken by the most revered gastronomic connoisseurs.

Unfortunately, credibility in Malaysia is very much suspect due to the vast majority of the Malaysian public considering themselves to be leading experts on the authority of food. The smorgasbord of TV shows, media articles, blogs and the like only serve to confound the average person who merely wishes to sift through the product placements and commercialisation to determine where his tastebuds will be tantalised most.

Unbeknownst to other countries, Malaysia's two strongest forms of tourist attractions are food and shopping (a subject to be explored in future). Malaysian food is therefore one of its most noticeable exports to Western countries where ambitious chefs proceed to mangle and butcher recipes to suit the local palate thereby rendering the term "Malaysian food" redundant.

Malaysians are fiercely protective and proud of recipes which are their heritage. Attempts by their neighbours, Singapore, to claim any such delicacies as their own is often met with responses ranging from derision to outrage. One should never say to a Malaysian that the best version of a Malaysian dish you had was not eaten in Malaysia itself. Such statements are sacreligious and will result in very violent outcomes.

#4 Caucasians

In Malaysia, Caucasians hold a mythic, almost divine status among the locals. The exact reason for such idolatry could be attributed to the country's former status as a British colony, the charms of western influence or it could just be the favourable exchange rate.

Whatever it is, Caucasians know for a fact that they could be white trash or social pariahs wherever they are from but once reaching Malaysian shores, they are treated like royalty. Most Malaysians are dumbstruck when encountering a "kwailo" or "mat salleh" (colloquial terms for white man) and will go out of their way to accommodate them. The white man's origins, occupation or even appearance are not a matter of concern to the average Malaysian. To them, if you're all white you're all right.

For these reasons, Caucasians the world over flock to Malaysia (ASEAN neighbours Thailand, Singapore, etc. share the same fondness for white people) on vacation or to retire to take advantage of this white fever. Caucasians can be seen in places such as Heritage Row, Bangsar, Langkawi Island, Ampang, Hartamas and other affluent areas in Malaysia.

It is very common to see a white man dating a Malaysian female. Curiously enough, all standards and demands which a Malaysian female normally applies to the Malaysian male do not apply to white men. He is not expected to treat her like a living goddess or pay for everything when they are together. When dating a white man, the Malaysian female becomes more independent, emotionally and financially.

However the same cannot be said of the white female and Malaysian male. Such a union is unheard of and there would be catastrophic repercussions on a genealogy level if this should ever occur. The only recorded incident in modern history of an asian male-white female pairing would be Bruce Lee (not Malaysian though) and his wife Linda.

The effect white people have on Malaysians is uncanny; smiles form on reticent faces, unnatural accents develop and manners improve dramatically. This contrasts sharply with treatment of fellow Malaysians which is lukewarm at best.

Some Malaysians wish nothing but to emulate their Caucasian counterparts and even go so far as to lead pseudo-white lives, eschewing everything Malaysian despite their inherent background and culture. These Malaysians are primarily found in Kuala Lumpur (Malaysia's capital).

#3 Manglish

Perhaps the most distinct and unique Malaysianism is the use of Manglish.

Manglish is a quaint colloquial style developed by Malaysia's melting pot of races (Chinese+Malay+Indian) since the country's colonialism by the British way back in the `50s.

Malaysians will have you know that Manglish is a certifiable, legitimate language of its own. Foreigners who attempt to speak Manglish are normally greeted with facetious praise.

Some common uses of Manglish:

"I'm on the way lah, on the way, on the way!"- lah is ubiquitously used and repetition is mandatory in Manglish.

"You got umbrella-ella-ella or not?"- use of got and or not is complementary and mostly to question.

"I can teach you how my milkshake is better than yours but I have to charge lor"- use of lor is mostly redundant in a grammatical sense but vital to Manglish execution.

To further illustrate use of Manglish, take this conversation for an example:

Mohammad Ali : Simon, you say want to lend me your car next week, sure or not?
Simon Khow : Your head lah, I was drunk then. Don't remember liao. Don't have, don't have.
Belen Singh : Yeah lah, Simon. I also heard you promise him. Where can like that one?
Simon Khow : What? Cannot ah? Want fight is it?
Mohammad Ali : Confucius say Chinaman with beer in hand acquires short term memory loss.

For tourists or foreigners unaccustomed to such difficult manner of speech, you must never disapprove of Manglish yet you should not attempt to imitate it. It is best that you either gaze pensively or laugh appreciatively to gain your Malaysian friend's approval and trust.

#1 Studying Abroad

Despite the quality of education and cultural diversity that exists in Malaysia, many families send their spawn abroad to pursue a further education. It is common to hear of so and so's neighbour going to the UK or your former classmate hopping off to Australia to enrol at a mediocre university in a costly (higher exchange rate equals more bragging rights for parents) course.

It is then required of said graduate to return home after completion of their studies whereupon they will do two things:

1. Complain (a Malaysianism to be explored at length in future)

The returning Malaysian student will state the disparity between his adopted country of four years with his country of origin. "The people in Quebec are so much more friendly!" or "Our government does nothing for the environment unlike Kevin Rudd's administration." or even "Coffee is just not the same here, sigh.". Such statements allow the subject to appear cultured and critical, in comparison to their humble locally educated counterparts. When encountering such discourse, you should nod in agreement and ask them their views on the current political climate of their adopted country at which they will respond with a blank stare.

2. Develop a peculiar indistinct accent

The typical Malaysian upon returning will suddenly acquire an accent that would baffle the most discerning anthropologist. This is to lend the subject an air of foreign sophistication and remind his/her cohorts of the (short) time they spent abroad.

Most of the time, this fabricated accent will fade transitionally with rare occasions on which it will resurface (meeting people from foreign or western countries, showing off to new acquaintances). If you desire to win this person's favor, you should commend them on their unique accent and ask them about the merits of attending an obscure university.

Note: number of years abroad correlates with number of years "authentic" accent will be retained.

If you wish to annoy a foreign graduate, just ask them why they did not attempt to secure a job and stay in said country. But if you want to gain the trust of the Malaysian, tell them they made a wise decision to return home and they will proceed to explain to you their reasons for doing so, allowing them to justify their inadequacies. This allows them to feel good about themselves and gets you in their good books.