Malaysian Problems- Sexual Identity

The Article:

"Sex On Demand". Focus. The Star Online. June 15 2008.

The Problem:

Malaysian people are slowly achieving sexual liberation. This is a good thing.

But, how do you tell which team that guy/girl plays for? Are they double agents?

The Scenario:

You see a girl you like in the club. She's attractive, fun, carefree. You approach her with designs on whispering sweet nothings in her ear and sweeping her off her feet. Hold up, cowboy. Someone ran interference on your game. Some girl, to be specific. Are those your sirens wailing?

Malaysian women are fond of talking about their "lesbian partners" in attempts to appear edgy and progressive. They upped their ante, son. It isn't just talk anymore. Is the game over for you? Not quite.

It is a strange phenomenon that Malaysian women only act out their lesbian fantasies in public places with an audience (mainly male). And somehow, this hot lesbian action is conveniently poised for maximum photographic exposure. Malaysian men say: How did I get so lucky? Malaysian women say: Hook, line and sinker!

The real Malaysian LGBT community would not condone deliberate acts of homosexualty for novelty purposes. Neither does the bonafide LGBT crowd have a penchant for public exhibitionism. The faux lesbian performance you witnessed last night while clubbing was a ruse. Choreographed to titilate your senses and give you false hope of sexual promiscuity. It will not happen. Instead you will be taken for a ride (not the kind you want).

The Solution:

Ignore the public display of a-fake-tion. It will do your dignity good and spur the aspiring actresses on to more fervent performances. Soon they'll start to feel silly and think of better ways to attract attention. Ways that benefit you of course. Enough with the Lindsay Lohan act, sweetheart. It's embarrassing.

Stuff Mentioned:

• Jumping On The Bandwagon
• Taking Pictures
• Conspiracy Theories
• Short Term Memory
• Defying Ethnic Stereotypes

Thanks to Paul Tan for the topic suggestion.

#26 Defying Ethnic Stereotypes

“I am not your typical Malaysian but a mixture of the American lifestyle, Chinese diligence, Italian romanticism, German efficiency, French sophistication and Japanese looks...I’m interesting to say the least!”.

The above statement (reader submitted profile description from a social networking site) is a cultural barometer of how Malaysian people view themselves. While Malaysia may predominantly consist of Malays, Chinese and Indians, it is apparent that Malaysia’s diverse heritage and influences are also inclusive of adopted foreign affectations.

A defining and crucial facet of a Malaysian person is his or her cultural and ethnic landscape. While one may be born of a particular ethnicity, they may not ascribe to its culture in entirety. In fact, it is most desirable to refute any traces of your ethnic heritage and integrate more exotic aspects into your character. Let us examine the following conversation:

Victor : I met this girl at KLCC last week. I think she’s quite special.
Frank : Really. What’s she like?
Victor : Well she’s of Chinese descent but she’s not your typical Chinese person. She dresses like one of those girls on The Hills. She doesn’t speak a word of Chinese, only English because she studied in the US and she doesn’t even have a Chinese name.
Frank : Ah I see, so where is she from then?
Victor : I thought that was clear. She's Malaysian.

While it may be confusing to foreigners how rejecting home-grown and inherited values can be cool, it is very clear cut to Malaysians. To assist those of you who are confused, here is a simple equation:

Malaysian person – Inherited ethnic influences + Arbitrary foreign elements = Heightened social status.

It is as simple as that!
Sometimes, the Not-Quite-Malaysian (NQM) will be rebuked by more patriotic citizens about their non-local stance. The transcript you are about to see is an example of how to deal with such criticism:

Neil : You’re hardly Indian. You don’t even speak your mother tongue!
Matthew : Oh quite the contrary, I am more in touch with my cultural heritage than most Indians. While I may not speak Tamil, I am familiar with India’s historical development, varying caste systems, the Indian Cultural Revolution and the Indian Diaspora dilemma. So you see, while I may not fit your rudimentary definition of “Indian”, I am more Indian than most!
Neil : You're quite right old chap. I'm terribly sorry. But tell me, why do you live in England then?

Matthew : Why the bloody hell not? It is my motherland after all.

After such examples, your clarity and identification of the NQM should have improved exponentially. However, if you are still having trouble identifying NQMs, please study the Seven Statutes of the Not-Quite-Malaysian:

1. Thou shalt not speak your mother tongue (if you do, feign ignorance)
2. Thou shalt reject all ethnic traditions and customs (only Christmas is allowed)
3. Thou shalt dress in foreign inspired attire (not necessarily fashionably)
4. Thou shalt spend time in foreign country (at least a year)
5. Thou shalt develop and maintain foreign accent (you are allowed to combine different elements)
6. Thou shalt only embrace foreign influences (music, art, movies, books)
7. Thou shalt claim you are “A citizen of the world”

Perhaps now you comprehend why Malaysians are so conflictedly rich in culture. This is why they follow British English rules, watch American TV programs and speak in Australian accents. It also explains why some ethnicities dress like they were transplanted from South Central, are avid fans of Japanese culture (future post) or only eat Western food. Besides the personal satisfaction that Malaysian people derive from such efforts, it is also to make you, the foreigner feel at home. So next time you see a Malaysian person doing a spastic impression of Justin Timberlake, you should feel honored that he is trying to make you feel comfortable in your strange surroundings.

Take the time to digest this information. For a true blue Malaysian, this can be overwhelming at first. But once you have realigned your perception and liberated yourself from domestic trappings, you too can be on your way to becoming a proud and worldly Not-Quite-Malaysian!

#23 The Cinema

Malaysian people love going to the cinema. It goes hand in hand with their affinity for shopping malls and provides them with an affordable source of entertainment. A trip to the cinema also provides Malaysian people with afterthoughts, conversation points and activities for the following week. Trips to the cinema are fundamental to the personal development of Malaysian people.

The desired Malaysian cinematic experience must revolve around a new movie. This is essential because the Malaysian person must be able to claim he is the first to watch the movie. Being among the first to watch a new movie and claiming so is a momentous occasion in the life of the Malaysian person. It is a story he will relate over the course of many years. It is even better if tickets for the new movie are acquired through media contacts or competitions because the Malaysian person will be able to show his extensive networking and ingenuity (and also cost efficiency).

The Malaysian cinema experience must include a gallery of characters that enhance the movie's enjoyability. The usual suspects include; the film connoisseur who will audibly critique the movie's every frame and scene ("The director could have done better here, more is less when it comes to pathos."), the sound technician who feels the need to amplify the movie's scenes with loud gasps and piercing laughter, the mobile messenger who is inseparable from his cellphone and needs everyone to realise his importance and the amorous duo eager to outdo the onscreen paramours. It is not advised that you reprimand or display any form of contempt for these cinemaphiles because their presence provides the DVD and Blu-Ray industry with a reason to proliferate.

The movie itself, is not the reason why Malaysian people go to the cinema. It is the post cinematic experience that Malaysians enjoy the most as opposed to the movie. Assuming they have been one of the few to watch a new movie, they now have to conduct a concerted effort to inform others of their privilege. They will also provide biting commentary and incisive reviews based on popular sites such as IMDB which contains movie ratings from celluloid experts much like themselves. If this person has a blog, it would provide optimum effect and maximum exposure. In fact, attending an advanced screening of a movie is a great reason to start a blog to relate the Malaysian's experience to the world at large. Malaysians are natural and sophisticated auteurs as well as critics of movies. The world would be less enlightened if their opinions were not made available publicly. Who better to wax lyrical on the merits of character development vs. sweeping cinematography than the 14 year old girl next door?

Among the things the Malaysian person will critique are the movie's actors ("He was too stiff, I think Keanu would've been better suited to exhibit some emotional depth"), the setting ("I think the cold, dark tone contrasted strongly with the hedonism of the `70s"), the script ("Where was the plot going? I think they lost direction halfway through") and basically anything they can criticise that will make them sound smart. It is also important for a Malaysian to be able to paraphrase lines from the movie and pass them off as their own ("You DO NOT talk about Thai Club") as well as relate how their life is similar to the character in the movie ("Oh. My. God. It's sooo like my life right now. It's all so drama, but all so real. Seriously").

Given the thriving pirated DVD business in Malaysia, film studios must release movies before industrious pirates do. This therefore allows Malaysians the opportunity to watch movies even before the country from where the film originates. Of course, this is a huge significance and point of pride which you must acknowledge as well as the Malaysian's undisputed judgement of a movie which is nothing short of philosophical.

#19 Asking About Money

One topic of discourse the Malaysian person enjoys indubitably is money. This includes asking others how much money they make, how much they paid for something, what their monthly expenses are, etc. Despite the sensitive and private nature of money to some people, Malaysians will not hesitate to prod and peruse the financial aspect of other people’s lives on a daily basis.

Inquiring about money is essential to the Malaysian’s self-confidence and assessment of others. By having intimate knowledge of someone’s earnings, the Malaysian can determine his and said person’s comparative ranking in the unseen social hierarchy. The general rule of thumb is: more money=higher status (foreigners and celebrities are exempt from this rule). Having knowledge that someone makes less money than himself gives the Malaysian great pride and assurance. However, should the Malaysian meet someone earning more money than he, his mind will be wracked with turmoil and will not rest until he reaches justification that the other person earns more because of unscrupulous methods (“I know! He must be having an affair with his boss. No one makes that much at my age!”).

Although most Malaysians can be cajoled into revealing their finances after awhile, there are some who remain steadfast in their reticence. No amount of coaxing will persuade them to loosen their restraint. This would be perfectly respectable except for the fact that the most secretive Malaysian will also be the most inquisitive.

This inquisitive Malaysian who refuses to reveal any information whatsoever regarding their money matters will nonetheless interrogate others about their fiscal situation. This type of Malaysian takes great pleasure in pursuing private information of others while retaining their own. After acquiring the facts and figures of others, the inquisitive Malaysian conducts his own assessment and evaluation. His treatment and judgment of the people whose information he possesses will then be based on the rating scale he has set in his mind.

If you encounter a Malaysian who is insistent on extracting your profit and loss statement, fabricate a figure that will leave him floundering (“I make $300k a month and I don’t even have to go to the office!”). This will leave the Malaysian flabbergasted and the knowledge will haunt him day and night. He will not bother you anymore out of insecurity, until he self-surmises that your money is the result of ill gotten gains or money laundering at which point he can feel good about himself again.

#17 Being Late

Been waiting long? Get used to it. You've just been a victim of Malaysian timing. While other countries and cultures might have their own standards for tardiness, Malaysians definitely take the cake for being off time all the time.

While it may be customary sometimes to wait for your friends or acquaintances, Malaysians have set new standards for being consistently late. In fact, if you should make an appointment with a Malaysian, be there 30 minutes or one hour later than the time you actually scheduled. Even if you are a foreigner, Malaysians expect you to know their coded version of timing.

This problem with punctuality permeates Malaysian culture to the point that phrases such as "I'm on the way, on the way!" and "Nearby, almost there" are the most commonly heard sentences in and around the country. Malaysians will be late for job interviews, work, movies, dinner, periods you name it. However, there is an exception made for occasions that pertain free gifts or goods of any nature. These events normally evoke the early bird in Malaysians.

Given the perpetual dilatory of Malaysians, one would expect valid and even original excuses. Yet, the conciliations remain the same; traffic, work, bad directions, traffic again (both sides of highway). But what even Malaysians don't know, is that they are really late because subconsciously they enjoy the knowledge that they are the center of attention and that people are waiting for them. It makes them feel good to know people anxiously await their presence and they will milk every last possible second until they arrive (once they do, they will feign a profusely apologetic stance). By doing this, they create the illusion that they are too important to show up on time because they are busy juggling the hundreds of other events in their lives. This constant lateness lowers punctuality expectations and on a day that they actually turn up on time, their friends will be ever so grateful to them for it ("It's so thoughtful of you to show up AND be on time today!").

Malaysians also secretly revel in the fact that they have gained leverage on others because they were waited for instead of waiting for ("Yes!! I made them wait for me, suckers! I have the upper hand"). Being late is also a refined skill, like arriving late for dinner (to skip the small talk) just as the food is being served. This gives them great pleasure and allows them to personify the term "fashionably late" (although this is an oxymoron for most Malaysians).