Malaysian Problems- Sexual Identity

The Article:

"Sex On Demand". Focus. The Star Online. June 15 2008.

The Problem:

Malaysian people are slowly achieving sexual liberation. This is a good thing.

But, how do you tell which team that guy/girl plays for? Are they double agents?

The Scenario:

You see a girl you like in the club. She's attractive, fun, carefree. You approach her with designs on whispering sweet nothings in her ear and sweeping her off her feet. Hold up, cowboy. Someone ran interference on your game. Some girl, to be specific. Are those your sirens wailing?

Malaysian women are fond of talking about their "lesbian partners" in attempts to appear edgy and progressive. They upped their ante, son. It isn't just talk anymore. Is the game over for you? Not quite.

It is a strange phenomenon that Malaysian women only act out their lesbian fantasies in public places with an audience (mainly male). And somehow, this hot lesbian action is conveniently poised for maximum photographic exposure. Malaysian men say: How did I get so lucky? Malaysian women say: Hook, line and sinker!

The real Malaysian LGBT community would not condone deliberate acts of homosexualty for novelty purposes. Neither does the bonafide LGBT crowd have a penchant for public exhibitionism. The faux lesbian performance you witnessed last night while clubbing was a ruse. Choreographed to titilate your senses and give you false hope of sexual promiscuity. It will not happen. Instead you will be taken for a ride (not the kind you want).

The Solution:

Ignore the public display of a-fake-tion. It will do your dignity good and spur the aspiring actresses on to more fervent performances. Soon they'll start to feel silly and think of better ways to attract attention. Ways that benefit you of course. Enough with the Lindsay Lohan act, sweetheart. It's embarrassing.

Stuff Mentioned:

• Jumping On The Bandwagon
• Taking Pictures
• Conspiracy Theories
• Short Term Memory
• Defying Ethnic Stereotypes

Thanks to Paul Tan for the topic suggestion.

#23 The Cinema

Malaysian people love going to the cinema. It goes hand in hand with their affinity for shopping malls and provides them with an affordable source of entertainment. A trip to the cinema also provides Malaysian people with afterthoughts, conversation points and activities for the following week. Trips to the cinema are fundamental to the personal development of Malaysian people.

The desired Malaysian cinematic experience must revolve around a new movie. This is essential because the Malaysian person must be able to claim he is the first to watch the movie. Being among the first to watch a new movie and claiming so is a momentous occasion in the life of the Malaysian person. It is a story he will relate over the course of many years. It is even better if tickets for the new movie are acquired through media contacts or competitions because the Malaysian person will be able to show his extensive networking and ingenuity (and also cost efficiency).

The Malaysian cinema experience must include a gallery of characters that enhance the movie's enjoyability. The usual suspects include; the film connoisseur who will audibly critique the movie's every frame and scene ("The director could have done better here, more is less when it comes to pathos."), the sound technician who feels the need to amplify the movie's scenes with loud gasps and piercing laughter, the mobile messenger who is inseparable from his cellphone and needs everyone to realise his importance and the amorous duo eager to outdo the onscreen paramours. It is not advised that you reprimand or display any form of contempt for these cinemaphiles because their presence provides the DVD and Blu-Ray industry with a reason to proliferate.

The movie itself, is not the reason why Malaysian people go to the cinema. It is the post cinematic experience that Malaysians enjoy the most as opposed to the movie. Assuming they have been one of the few to watch a new movie, they now have to conduct a concerted effort to inform others of their privilege. They will also provide biting commentary and incisive reviews based on popular sites such as IMDB which contains movie ratings from celluloid experts much like themselves. If this person has a blog, it would provide optimum effect and maximum exposure. In fact, attending an advanced screening of a movie is a great reason to start a blog to relate the Malaysian's experience to the world at large. Malaysians are natural and sophisticated auteurs as well as critics of movies. The world would be less enlightened if their opinions were not made available publicly. Who better to wax lyrical on the merits of character development vs. sweeping cinematography than the 14 year old girl next door?

Among the things the Malaysian person will critique are the movie's actors ("He was too stiff, I think Keanu would've been better suited to exhibit some emotional depth"), the setting ("I think the cold, dark tone contrasted strongly with the hedonism of the `70s"), the script ("Where was the plot going? I think they lost direction halfway through") and basically anything they can criticise that will make them sound smart. It is also important for a Malaysian to be able to paraphrase lines from the movie and pass them off as their own ("You DO NOT talk about Thai Club") as well as relate how their life is similar to the character in the movie ("Oh. My. God. It's sooo like my life right now. It's all so drama, but all so real. Seriously").

Given the thriving pirated DVD business in Malaysia, film studios must release movies before industrious pirates do. This therefore allows Malaysians the opportunity to watch movies even before the country from where the film originates. Of course, this is a huge significance and point of pride which you must acknowledge as well as the Malaysian's undisputed judgement of a movie which is nothing short of philosophical.

#22 Short Term Memory

Malaysian people have a unique memory that is both selective and temporary in its capacity. While Malaysians possess great focus and insight for current issues, this focalization can disappear overnight and the topic will never be heard of again.

Malaysians are generally inquisitive and can provide esoteric theories (see post #2) of the latest issues that captivate the nation. Current issues entail mistreatment of Mongolian emissaries, feuding statesmen and backdoor entry policies. However, even these incidents will soon be bygones in the minds of Malaysians, almost as if they did not exist.

People in Malaysia are also generally forgetful of the things they say or do. This is most advantageous when such discrepancies come back to haunt them. Commonly heard phrases "I don't remember _____" and "Looks like me, sounds like me, but I forgot _____". After dismissing credible proof and evidence, efforts will be made to ensure all notion and history which discredits them will be swept under the carpet.

The Malaysian person's limited capacity for memory is such that a former Prime Minister of Malaysia wrote a now famous poem entitled "Melayu Mudah Lupa" (Malays Forget Easily) which has now entered the annals of Malaysian polemic literature. Ironically, said Prime Minister now experiences memory loss when questioned about dubious developments.

The Malaysian memory is therefore a medical marvel/mystery illness that biologically works in their favor and it is blasphemous for you to question their version of events.

Don't forget to remember that.

#21 Wang Leehom

In a country as diverse as Malaysia, it is difficult to identify a celebrity that is multilaterally loved by all. However, Wang Leehom is that one such artist who transcends race, religion and language.

Wang Leehom is an American Born Chinese (ABC) singer/actor who first found fame in Taiwan before whipping the whole of Asia into a fanatic frenzy. His forte is music that evokes heartwrenching emotions and oozes overwrought sentimentality which appeals immensely to Asians. Although his credentials merit the adulation he receives, we must examine why Malaysians adore him.

Firstly, he is an Asian who was raised in the States and has Western influences in his craft. He therefore embodies the Malaysian dream of growing up abroad, being Westernized and having a foreign education. This also earns him points with non-Chinese Malaysians who can't relate to other Taiwanese artists like Jay Chou. Secondly, Malaysia has been one of his most frequent concert sites which only serves to endear him more to Malaysians. But the most redeeming factors are his highly lauded 2004 duet with local songbird Siti Nurhaliza and the fact that he filmed the Ang Lee helmed movie; "Lust, Caution" in Ipoh, Malaysia. These events gave Malaysians reasons to be proud of the country (and relate it to themselves).

Wang Leehom's influence is such that his face can not only be seen on pirated CDs/DVDs and kitschy memorabilia, but his voice is also channeled through ardent karaoke practitioners throughout the country (for critical evidence of this, click here).

#20 Hitz FM

Paramount to the Malaysian person’s identity is his/her taste in music (see post #7). To evaluate a Malaysian’s music repertoire, one must also consider the factor of public radio stations. Public radio stations in Malaysia are limited at best, but offer choices for varying demographics. For the past decade or so, one radio station has pervaded local airwaves and dominated the aural attention of listeners; Hitz FM. Hitz FM proclaims itself to be “Malaysia’s No.1 hit station” through sophisticated research founded on baseless claims. Their coverage is such that they have even established their own TV channel showcasing overhyped and underdeveloped local talents as well as their effusive and affected disc jockeys.

Hitz FM is not so much a radio station as it is a pre-programmed record player. Their revolutionary strategy to win over listeners is to play the same Top 40 songs on a rotation basis every four hours or so. Although many have lamented this repetitive format, Hitz FM still retains its listener base because Malaysians are predictable and still tune in despite their complaints. Besides their pre-determined playlists, Hitz FM incorporates ingenious and original programs into their routine. One such program is the trite and tested prank call which always succeeds in bemusing the victim and listeners due to its sheer inanity.

The DJs Hitz FM employ are also crucial to their success. Banking on Malaysians veneration of foreign elements, Hitz FM capitalises on this by hiring DJs with exotic accents that captivate and convince the average listener. This foreign policy also extends to the “local” talents showcased by Hitz FM in their media efforts (see post #10 for more information). The element of pretence is extremely vital to the station’s success because Malaysians aspire to be as hip and urbane as possible, which is thereby reflected in their choice of auditory channels.

In your efforts to determine how “Malaysian” a person is, the choice of radio channel is your most indicative insight. The truly Malaysian person will only have Hitz Fm playing on his radio to show that he is into mainstream music, has no independent thoughts of his own and enjoys being part of the popular mass majority (see post #11). These Malaysian traits have been duly identified and capitalised on by Hitz FM thereby retaining their place as the premier radio station.

To connect with a true Malaysian, say how much you dig the Morning Crew’s antics and that you once aspired to be a DJ in your youth. This will put you in good standing with the Malaysian as they recollect how they too harboured such fanciful thoughts while getting their daily dose of Malaysia’s most ostentatious radio station.



Further insight on Hitz FM here.

#19 Asking About Money

One topic of discourse the Malaysian person enjoys indubitably is money. This includes asking others how much money they make, how much they paid for something, what their monthly expenses are, etc. Despite the sensitive and private nature of money to some people, Malaysians will not hesitate to prod and peruse the financial aspect of other people’s lives on a daily basis.

Inquiring about money is essential to the Malaysian’s self-confidence and assessment of others. By having intimate knowledge of someone’s earnings, the Malaysian can determine his and said person’s comparative ranking in the unseen social hierarchy. The general rule of thumb is: more money=higher status (foreigners and celebrities are exempt from this rule). Having knowledge that someone makes less money than himself gives the Malaysian great pride and assurance. However, should the Malaysian meet someone earning more money than he, his mind will be wracked with turmoil and will not rest until he reaches justification that the other person earns more because of unscrupulous methods (“I know! He must be having an affair with his boss. No one makes that much at my age!”).

Although most Malaysians can be cajoled into revealing their finances after awhile, there are some who remain steadfast in their reticence. No amount of coaxing will persuade them to loosen their restraint. This would be perfectly respectable except for the fact that the most secretive Malaysian will also be the most inquisitive.

This inquisitive Malaysian who refuses to reveal any information whatsoever regarding their money matters will nonetheless interrogate others about their fiscal situation. This type of Malaysian takes great pleasure in pursuing private information of others while retaining their own. After acquiring the facts and figures of others, the inquisitive Malaysian conducts his own assessment and evaluation. His treatment and judgment of the people whose information he possesses will then be based on the rating scale he has set in his mind.

If you encounter a Malaysian who is insistent on extracting your profit and loss statement, fabricate a figure that will leave him floundering (“I make $300k a month and I don’t even have to go to the office!”). This will leave the Malaysian flabbergasted and the knowledge will haunt him day and night. He will not bother you anymore out of insecurity, until he self-surmises that your money is the result of ill gotten gains or money laundering at which point he can feel good about himself again.

#18 IKEA

In line with the high regard they have for all things foreign, Malaysians have accorded IKEA with an unassailable position in their hearts and living rooms. From avant garde disposable lamps to collapsible chartreuse cupboards, the pursuit of the IKEA catalogue lifestyle has never been more salient.

Whilst this threatens to homogenize homes across the country and put domestic furnishers out of business, Malaysians throw caution to the wind and head to IKEA every weekend to purchase "that one item" that will make their homes, and lives complete.

By delving into the psyche of the Malaysian, one deduces that despite their quest to achieve a higher and unique social status, in reality they find comfort in homogeneity and collectivism. Although they desire to appear as individuals with good taste, Malaysians are actually consoled by the fact that thousands of others own the same paraphernalia as them thus affirming their choices and beliefs. This psychoanalysis also reveals that Malaysians relate empty space in their homes with the emptiness of their souls that they hope can be filled by Swedish furniture.

The weekend IKEA experience has emerged as a family bonding session where families brave the humidity, traffic and fellow shoppers to look for more stuff to fill their homes with. The IKEA shopper aggressively pursues ornaments and upholstery they believe will give their homes a sense of "elegance and sophistication". The experience is also not complete without consumption of Swedish gastronomic staples that are deemed exotic and quaint but prepared by local culinary talents.

If you enter a Malaysian's home and notice their IKEA adornments, commend them on the exactness of their humble abode to this month's catalogue. This will give your Malaysian hosts great pleasure and they will regard you as their new best friend.



Further insight on IKEA here.

#17 Being Late

Been waiting long? Get used to it. You've just been a victim of Malaysian timing. While other countries and cultures might have their own standards for tardiness, Malaysians definitely take the cake for being off time all the time.

While it may be customary sometimes to wait for your friends or acquaintances, Malaysians have set new standards for being consistently late. In fact, if you should make an appointment with a Malaysian, be there 30 minutes or one hour later than the time you actually scheduled. Even if you are a foreigner, Malaysians expect you to know their coded version of timing.

This problem with punctuality permeates Malaysian culture to the point that phrases such as "I'm on the way, on the way!" and "Nearby, almost there" are the most commonly heard sentences in and around the country. Malaysians will be late for job interviews, work, movies, dinner, periods you name it. However, there is an exception made for occasions that pertain free gifts or goods of any nature. These events normally evoke the early bird in Malaysians.

Given the perpetual dilatory of Malaysians, one would expect valid and even original excuses. Yet, the conciliations remain the same; traffic, work, bad directions, traffic again (both sides of highway). But what even Malaysians don't know, is that they are really late because subconsciously they enjoy the knowledge that they are the center of attention and that people are waiting for them. It makes them feel good to know people anxiously await their presence and they will milk every last possible second until they arrive (once they do, they will feign a profusely apologetic stance). By doing this, they create the illusion that they are too important to show up on time because they are busy juggling the hundreds of other events in their lives. This constant lateness lowers punctuality expectations and on a day that they actually turn up on time, their friends will be ever so grateful to them for it ("It's so thoughtful of you to show up AND be on time today!").

Malaysians also secretly revel in the fact that they have gained leverage on others because they were waited for instead of waiting for ("Yes!! I made them wait for me, suckers! I have the upper hand"). Being late is also a refined skill, like arriving late for dinner (to skip the small talk) just as the food is being served. This gives them great pleasure and allows them to personify the term "fashionably late" (although this is an oxymoron for most Malaysians).

#16 Blogs

The presence of the Internet has been both a blessing and a curse for Malaysians. Malaysians who were once repressed now have an outlet to air their feelings and thoughts through blogs. On the other hand, everyone who is anyone can air their opinions online and call themselves "writers" in their attempts to make a quick buck and get on the fast track to fame.

The Malaysian blogosphere has different standards for men and women. First we shall explore the types of blogs females keep. The typical blog kept by a young female Malaysian is her first stab at airing her emotions and thoughts which in the old days, were written in a diary. The impetus for her blog is normally a traumatic break up or a dearth of attention from society. The first type of female blogger is what we shall call the "Visual Aid" blogger. The Visual Aid blogger chronicles her life as a social butterfly, fluttering from one hip party to another and illustrates this with an endless stream of enticing pictures which are photoshopped to create dazzling cinematic effects. The Visual Aider also delights in telling you about her perfect boyfriend and how he does perfect things for her in their perfect little life. Until they break up of course, which will then result in the Visual Aider writing a long, melodramatic and grammatically challenged soliloquy. (Don't worry, they'll reconcile within two days.)

The advantage of this type of blog is that one need not be encumbered by intellectual or even grammatical deficiencies, all you need are pleasing aesthetics, a cameraman and a dictionary. Occasionally, the Visual Aider will use some words in between the pictures but this is nothing to worry about. This is to show that she is not only beautiful but also intelligent and is smart enough to incorporate puns or jokes she found using Google. This form of blog is the most popular kind in Malaysia. Some have even evolved from pure bloggers to C-list celebrities through their forays into the entertainment industry. If their vivid imagery and clever use of the thesaurus doesn't generate enough traffic, they resort to starting blog wars with other female bloggers.

The other type of female blogger is what we shall call the "Intellectual Idealist". The Intellectual Idealist does not share the Visual Aider's fondness for attention and photography but feels the burning need to vent her frustrations and dissatisfaction with the world at large through her vagina monologues. She is opinionated, very well read (Austen is her favourite author of course), has lofty ambitions and great expectations of her future partner (if he should ever come). Their blogs frequently contain phrases such as "I just haven't found a man who can fulfill my intellectual and emotional needs" or "I believe in true love. On my own terms". These tortured Intellectuals generally intimidate the average Malaysian man and represent the largest customer segment for Malaysian bookstores. They also have the potential of either becoming bitter old spinsters or members of Parliament.

Men on the other hand, are very straightforward when it comes to blogs. Due to the fact that Malaysian men generally don't read (blogs), when they do it's only for appreciation & stimulation purposes. The only niche for male bloggers to succeed is by running a personal blog that ridicules oneself and provides crude humor to the public. Alternately, you could provide a blog dispensing information on IT and technological devices, politics (high risk) or food. But bear in mind you will never garner as much traffic as Visual Aid blogs. This is because the value of blogs in Malaysia are determined not by their content, but by the traffic they generate. It is important to note that Malaysian blog readers are very loyal to the bloggers they idolise and would not dream of reading other blogs unless they have been told to do so by the ruling blogosphere elite.

It is imperative that you recognise a Malaysian blogger's efforts as nothing short of Pulitzer Prize material and that his or her musings are profoundly insightful. Anything short of pedestal placing on your part will result in a very negative post dedicated to you. Honest to blog.

Further reading on Internet phenomenon here and here.

#15 Going To The Gym

The pursuit of fitness and a healthy lifestyle has never been more prevalent in Malaysia, what with the sporadically growing number of gyms and fitness centers with thousands of people who patron them. While these attempts to achieve a sense of well being are certainly commendable, the underlying reasons are less than genuine. To most, a gym membership is simply a license to proudly exclaim "I'm going to the gym!".

Women, visit the gym to alleviate their guilt over their weight and don't actually do much exercise at the gym. But the mere knowledge of their membership allows them to overindulge at meals ("It's ok, I can have this, I'll just work it off at the gym tomorrow!") and share anecdotes with friends and colleagues ("I'm going to the gym every damn day but I 'm not losing any weight! But on the bright side, I met this really cute guy").

Men, visit the gym to satisfy their partners demands and portray the image that they have a well balanced life ("Dude, I hit the gym everyday after 12 hours at work. My body is a frickin' temple and it deserves to be worshipped!"). And of course, the opportunity to prey on insecure women with facetious praise ("You're on a diet? No way. If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?"). Having a gym membership basically allows both sexes the subconscious freedom to overeat, smoke and abuse their bodies while retaining their right to complain about their busy lifestyles ("Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a well-rounded perfectionist. Seriously, I have no time for anyone anymore").

This trend looks set to stay given the competitive nature of Malaysians to outdo one another and tendency to self-promote whenever possible. To capitalise on this, ply the Malaysian with admiration and praise ("Your gym sessions are really paying off. I could never manage my time as well as you"). This will fill the Malaysian with the acknowledgement and self-satisfaction that they desperately crave and reassures them that they are oh-so-special.

#12 American TV Shows

While Malaysians have an ongoing love affair with most things foreign, they reserve a special place in their hearts and minds for mainstream American TV programmes ("Get Lost, cos I'm busy watching it."). The U.S. TV show is often the Malaysian's first encounter with American culture and is religiously followed by viewers of any demographic.

Despite the fact that these TV shows showcase unlikely characters and excessive melodrama, the Malaysian accepts the TV show as unquestionable gospel and it shapes his/her perception of America while fueling criticism of the Malaysian equivalent. "Sigh...my doctor looks more McSleazy than McSteamy" can often be overheard at hospital waiting areas.

The U.S. TV programme is integral to a generation of Malaysians seeking to adopt an identity more desirable and exciting than their own. In attempts to incorporate elements of popular TV shows into their lives, each group of friends will have the following designated stereotypes: "the fashionable cosmogirl", "the smart and sensitive one", "the charming ladies man", "the ditzy girl with the big heart" or "the control freak with an embarrassing past". If anyone should stray from the predetermined labels they will be asked to leave the group. This is why you have the "Which Friends character are you?" application on Facebook to check yourself.

The influence of American TV on Malaysians cannot be disregarded especially when you hear schoolgirls sounding like they're from the Upper East Side or when your office secretary tells you ugly is the new pretty. American TV also sets the benchmark for most people's expectations ("My boyfriend must have all the qualities of Seth Cohen", "Hey, how come my GP doesn't walk with a cane or make snide comments?" ). If you are still skeptical of American TV's influence on Malaysian culture, just keep your ears peeled for the next time you hear "How you doin'?", "XOXO" and the most annoyingly overused term of all: "Seriously."

#11 Jumping On The Bandwagon @ Kiasuism

Although Malaysia is a vastly diverse country with considerable culture, there is a searing need to jump on the bandwagon or ape the latest trend that penetrates the local hemisphere and is deemed "cool" by self proclaimed local taste makers. In local terms, this trait is called "kiasu", a Hokkien term denoting fear of losing out.

Malaysians are not discerning when it comes to the trends they adopt and obsess over. The only requisites are that said trend/fad must come from foreign places and that it is hip in the eyes of their peers. Whether this is a new food establishment, fashion trend or even worshipping of celebrities (see previous post #10) & bloggers (future post), all Malaysians will move towards it like moths to a flame if it serves their ego and improves others' perception of them.

Some recent trends or developments favored by Malaysians: supporting newly successful foreign football teams, wearing scarves and skinny jeans (weather apparently does not deter fashionistas/victims), queueing for hours for popular donuts from otherwise ordinary establishment and promoting a certain cause or petititon which they don't really know much about (online support of releasing political prisoners makes you appear both anti-establishment and cool, depite the fact that you don't really care and would deny it completely should the federal authorities approach you).

This speaks volumes of the average Malaysian's insecurities that they are not contemporary or worldly enough. Now this is where you can take advantage of the situation for your own amusement or benefit. Put on your most convincing face and say to a Malaysian, "Y'know, the Urkel look is really hip in the States. It combines a sense of wholesomeness, nostalgia and intelligence. Everyone is digging it". Now sit back and be amused as the Malaysian rethinks his entire wardrobe.

But if you want to turn their insecurities into you own personal gain, try something like this; "Hey guys, have you checked out my blog recently? I used to be under the radar but I'm getting insane traffic these days and all these celebrity bloggers like XXX and AAA are saying how smart and witty I am. I think my blog is going to go global". You can now pat yourself on the back for a sly use of namedropping and reap the benefits. Enjoy.


*Caution: Constant manipulation of bandwagonners will cause them to develop schizophrenia or loss of identity. Proceed with care.