October 14, 2008

#42 Club Culture

After a long week of slaving away for multinationals and complaining but doing nothing about it, there's nothing Malaysians love more than to hit the club scene and get their freak on, bust a move and get jiggy with it. Not necessarily in that outdated order but you know what I'm saying.

In Kuala Lumpur especially, where its denizens are awake at ungodly hours, clubs can be an interesting observation resource on the ways of Malaysian people. Typically, the revelry begins close to midnight and winds up at 3am but the real stories begin after they leave the premises. We will get to that later.

Preparation for a Malaysian club outing is simple but contains a few key areas. One thing to keep in mind is to be dressed to kill, which can sometimes yield a literal result but we won't dwell on that. Men will be dressed in expensive and identical striped shirts and enough hair product to tame a lion's mane. For the more flamboyant ones, a piece of winterwear is mandatory. Nothing screams sartorial suaveness like a scarf or sportscoat in a sweltering space designed to maximise opportunities for a meeting of minds and later, bodies. It could be the other way round but I'm pretty sure this is how it works.

In a hormonally charged environment such as this, you get to witness a lot of alpha male displays of superiority and peacock posturing. This element of pretense is necessary and an aphrodisiac to attract Malaysia's finest women. The alternative to competing is standing by the bar with the other males and ogling women until one of them responds with a terse "Not interested."

The process of selecting an outfit and final preparation for the fairer sex is a little more intricate. The overall image should symbolise class, with a hint of mischief and mystery but not be unapproachable. Yes, it's difficult but it's true, they go through this every time which is why you really need to compliment your Malaysian lady friends on their outfits to boost their infinite self esteem.

Of course, they will say that they dress for themselves and not to conform to media stereotypes or testosterone stimulant standards. As always, nod and smile politely. But the power of the right ensemble can't be denied, it could lead to a healthy relationship, everlasting love and an expense account. But you should not assume that some women are gold diggers. They're looking for something more substantial than that, like white gold. When Malaysian women reject male advances, it's nothing personal, it's just business.

There are basically two forms of activity that take place in a club. The first is drinking, which can lead to something more fruitful with the opposite sex but if it doesn't, you could always say you had a good time drinking with your buddies which is really, all you need. After saying it a few times, it gets easy. Like a spoonful of sugar, it really does make the medicine go down in a most delightful way!

Which brings us to the second activity, dancing. If your mutual intoxication results in a tete-a-tete with a Malaysian person, good for you! This up close and personal encounter will hopefully lead to something real, like a one month stand. If you're really lucky though, someday down the road you can gather your offspring and tell them why they were named Velvet and Euphoria.

In the midst of all these shenanigans, you mustn't forget to capture all these timeless moments in full photographic glory. The posterity of celluloid will supply you with endless amusement on Facebook or for slideshows at weddings. Maybe even provide those kids of yours with illustrations for the story you were telling of the night mommy and daddy first met which led to little Zouk being conceived.

At the end of the night, when the lights come on and all the drunken debaucheries and scandalous scintillations are brought into stark and often ugly reality, it doesn't mean Malaysian people will give up on the hope of having that one great night on which they'll meet a beautiful stranger and drive a foreign sports car off into the sunrise. It just means they'll have to try harder the following week. In the meantime, they'll need to recuperate from those hangovers, persistent eyebags and compromised principles. You know what they say, the night is always darkest just before the yawn.


Klaw said...

Wow, this post is full of gold.

>>But the power of the right ensemble can't be denied, it could lead to a healthy relationship, everlasting love and an expense account.

>>If you're really lucky though, someday down the road you can gather your offspring and tell them why they were named Velvet and Euphoria.

Great stuff!

B.H. said...


Thanks very much. It saddens me to see your thoughts on this matter are solitary despite their validity.

What does everyone else think? Too close for comfort this time, I think.


Poppy said...

All right, fine, you comment-grabbing whote.

I'll join KLaw in saying that this is indeed a literary work of comedic gold, and points to a observant finger that is directly on the pulse of local wildlife. I mean, nightlife.

- if you participated a bit more in the "scene" though, you would have observed the female of the species that endeavor to never pay cover charge or drinks by parasiting on some poor rich sod who needs their ego massaged by buying friends. This is quite common and quite alarming. I feel sorry for the sods and pissed at why I'm not a woman and have the ability to spend RM1,000 on a dress, makeup and facials so that I can bat an eyelid at a guy who can pay the RM200 or so for the night's drinks.

garden said...

bah, "whote". Oh wait, I meant that as a hip reference to hot whores.

B.H. said...


I have inducted KLaw and yourself into my literary appreciation society. Like Dead Poet's, with less angst.

Pardon me for seeking validation for this post. Now I can relate to the soulless superficial socialites who patron KL's fine clubbing establishments.

Come back soon.


Poppy said...

I see what you did there, you animal of alliterationitus.. itis.. alliterary... whatever. Show off.

B.H. said...


As an afterthought, acknowledgement of alliteration is all that I aspire to.


Aidan said...

I feel as if I'm betraying my own kind but I have to say that I agree with Poppy/Garden.

Why girls/ladies/women/whotes (or so you like to call it) can't pay for their share of drinks is beyond me. Especially those who BELIEVE they DESERVE it because they're hot, pretty bah whatever.

"Where got girls pay wan? Guys must pay wan ma!" -- The WORST is when a fugly bitch says it. Sedar diri abit lah! But that's not the point.

I guess it's one of those things you can't really disect and analyze--like why do they have "Ladies Night" and not "Men Nights" in normal clubs? Why do some places give out free bottles when you come in a group of 5 ladies, but not for the guys?

I'm not really complaining cuz I enjoy all the privileges these clubs have, but it bugs me because most of my friends are guys and it's damn tough to get them to come out because they don't want to pay for this or that. Which is where I offer to chip in.

Maybe Malaysianisms should start a survey thing.

Because sometimes I feel that some guys actually asked for that kinda shit, where their perception is if they buy, they might get something in return. Most girls tend to have that skill to lead you on that way.

But then the guy kena suckered.

Anyway, this comment is damn long. -_-" Sorry.

Alicia Goh said...

i'm so guilty of most of the idonsyncrasies of being a Malaysian.
so true on the striped shirt clubbers. that is a sure sign the guy with striped shirt is STRAIGHT. anything fancy ie: with long necklaces, v-neck mucles tees, fancy hat, shirtless...you get the picture just means one thing your gay-dar must be beeping real loud..lol

Alicia Goh said...

a suggestion: how most Malaysians have mainstream music as their ringtone and how Malaysian handphone etiquettes is so "unique"?

B.H. said...


Such irony. Such conflict. Such is the fact you spelled "dissect" incorrectly.

Your comment hints at a larger discontent regarding gender relations and equality but this may not be the appropriate forum for it. I concur with your sentiments but I opine that some of your female counterparts may be in discord with your conceptions.

FYI, to all four readers of this blog, Aidan is a prominent KL socialite and a noted nightlife consultant. Should you have any queries, please seek her counsel.


Thanks very much for your suggestion regarding cellphone etiquette. You will be duly credited for it. We need more readers like you, come back soon.


zewt said...

hahahahaha... they want their child to be named velvet... they want to be lucky... but dont think everyone is lucky.

i will need to spend some time going thru the achieve of this blog.... cool man!

Thevan said...

c'mon now, surely u have more than 4 readers.

Aidan said...

I will shout at you what I won't say here. Remind me next time.

B.H. said...


Thanks, help spread the gospel. Good to see you around again.


Nice to make your acquaintance. Now we have 5.


Don't forget to pout while you're at it.


devan said...

haha...i agree with aidan..fugy as bitches demanding free drinks. Hilarious. and i think they have ladies night's because for every girl they let in free, there will be five guys behind her who will buy 2 bottles and a couple of cocktails between them. if they had men night's, all u would get is a bunch of freeloading guys in a club with no girls. its more good business sense than gender discrimintion i guess.