#36 Russell Peters

Malaysian people love to laugh and have a good time, as long as it isn't at their expense. This is because Malaysian people do not believe in self-deprecating humor or jokes about themselves. If you must joke about Malaysian people in their presence, assure them that they are nothing like that, it's only the people you are poking fun of who act that way.

In Malaysia, it is also not alright to trade gags that are potentially unsettling which revolve around race, politics or religion. Cracking wise about any of those issues could get you locked up. This is why Malaysian people like Russell Peters.

Russell Peters is a Canadian comedian of Indian descent. His whole act is basically based on making fun of racial idiosyncrasies and differences in culture. As a comedian, he gets to explore race issues in a jocular context and say things that would be considered racist if they were uttered by anyone but him. Being an Asian himself, this further endears him to Malaysians as they really relate to his wisecracks and enthusiastically recycle his jokes in their everyday lives.

Malaysian people love his jokes for two reasons: one, because they are both offensive and funny at the same time and two, because by recycling his jokes they get to stealthily insult other races and blame it on him if it isn't received well. Although Russell Peters has not explored the peculiar antics of Malaysia as yet, it definitely would present him with a comic goldmine. The true measure of his success would then be determined by his presence being banned by Malaysian authorities due to him being a "disruptive social influence".


Note: If you have made a joke that is offensive to Malaysian people and need to conduct damage control, claim that you meant it in a historical context.

#35 Localized Reality Shows

Malaysian people take themselves seriously and need attention like John McCain needs the fountain of youth. But there isn't always an avenue or platform for them to show the world how talented, intelligent and charming they are. For this reason, Malaysian people decided to adapt foreign reality shows. You see, this is a win-win situation for Malaysian people, it takes both their liking for adapted foreign influences and self promotion and churns it into a half hour TV programme for mass consumption. This is a surefire way to propel someone normal and average into the public spotlight and add to the list of local celebrities Malaysians adore.

The type of reality shows Malaysia produce mostly revolve around dating, modelling, performing and even business ala The Apprentice. However the term "reality" on these shows is used very loosely since most of the participants are anything but real. However, any Malaysian reality programme produced must adhere strictly to the Three Malaysian Principles of Reality Programming:

1) Piracy - the concept which is borrowed and reinvented
2) Pretense - the prerequisite attitude of participants
3) "Perasan"- the Malay term which carries the connotation of being conceited

These three principles are key to ensuring the success of a Malaysian reality programme and in giving birth to the careers and prominence of more Malaysian talents. The path of a Malaysian reality TV star is one that is slowly gaining credence as it does not require any work or any skill as compared to a Badminton player or Politician but ensures a certain level of visibility.

If you should ever come across a Malaysian reality star, immediately acknowledge that they were your favourite contestant on the show and (if they didn't win) assure them that they were robbed of the win because of production politics, biased editing or technical voting errors. You will then be invited to their local theater debut or next showcase at the Hard Rock Cafe.

Thanks to Ms.Lime for advocating this piece.

Malaysian Problems- English Butchery

The Article:

"35% Of Teachers Lack Good Command Of English". R.S.N. Murali. The Star Online. September 4th 2008.

The Problem:

For as long as the English language has existed in Malaysia, Malaysian people have been butchering it mercilessly to the point that Manglish is now acknowledged as a language in its own right.

This also presents those with a copacetic grasp of English the opportunity to lord it over those less fluent and build themselves a reservoir of confidence that they are better than others who commit grammatical crimes and syntax sins.

The Solution:

Establish laws to punish crimes against the English language. Previously, perpetrators escaped with impunity but harsher enforcement must be taken to ensure that Malaysia is no longer mocked or derided over its language liberties. It would therefore be punishable by law to commit the following misdemeanors:

1. wRiTinG LiKe tHis
2. Writing. Like. This.
3. Claiming to be an author or writer when only literary accomplishment is a blog
4. Copious use of the term "no pun intended" or "wtf", "lol" and "omg"

Punishment and rehabilitation includes forced adoption of the Queen's English and excessive dictation as well as accent refinement.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, Malaysian people who self-righteously demean and chide those they deem lesser than them for having poor English will be sentenced to teaching English without pay in rural schools, kindergartens and karaoke joints to learn empathy and humility.

Stuff Mentioned

• Manglish
• Accents
• Defying Ethnic Stereotypes
• Studying Abroad
  

Thanks to everyone who either mentioned, suggested or contributed to the elements mentioned in this post.

#34 Accents

It's amazing that it took us this long to get to accents but it is critical that you understand this Malaysian phenomenon. Although this post ties heavily into post #1 Studying Abroad and #26 Defying Ethnic Stereotypes, it definitely warrants its own entry as a Malaysian peculiarity that persists throughout time.

The faux accent is consistent with Malaysian people's love for all things foreign and Western. It would not be a cliche to use the saying, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If you're unsure what this accent sounds like, imagine a bad Michael Caine impressionist performing while under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs.

Generally, the Malaysian person develops an accent when returning from abroad or perhaps after one too many episodes of an American sitcom. The former is a common occurrence which explains the plethora of international accents you might hear rolling off Malaysian tongues. Be prepared to hear the excuse "I was there for so long, it's hard to just shake it off."

The average Malaysian is not able to discern between an English, American or Australian accent but just having one will sufficiently raise their social profile. It would not be an understatement to say that Malaysian people are fascinated by accents. Even a hypnotist would be hard pressed to produce anything close to this. In fact, Malaysian people in possession of accents receive better treatment from everyone and will even seem more attractive by virtue of their speech, regardless of their shortcomings. I know you're incredulous of this but believe me, it's true.

There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to developing an accent. Little things like grammatical deficiencies, illiteracy or lack of actual foreign experience can be discounted. All that matters is that the accent sounds different and affected. No one really knows what a genuine one sounds like anyway since they're all doing the same thing. To avoid being labelled pretentious, some Malaysian people occasionally use Manglish
terms to show that they have not completely abandoned their lingua franca.

Most of the time, Malaysian people speak Manglish but there are certain occasions or incidents which prompt them to change their inflection (if they aren't retaining it permanently already). One situation which calls for it is an encounter with you, the foreigner. You may wonder why your Malaysian friend has adopted a manner of speech so uncommon and awkward and you may even be a little offended. No, they're not making fun of your dulcet tones or your delightful lilt. They're being hospitable and trying to make you feel at home, silly! Make sure you indulge in this charade and show appreciation for their efforts.

Having an accent also helps impress newly-made acquaintances, as mentioned earlier.

"Hey, you know that guy who just came back from abroad?"

"Which one? There's so many of them."

"The one who has the cute British accent."

"Yeah, you should totally date him. It's a known fact that Brits are posh and sophisticated which by virtue of his accent, means he is too. It's the theory of relativity. You can't fight science."

Malaysian people will sometimes erroneously refer to an accent as "slang". You must excuse this for it is just as common for them to confuse terminology as they confuse people with their accents. But you must remember never to imply that a Malaysian person's accent is false or fabricated. This will lead to a long argument that will leave you questioning the authenticity of your own accent.

Note: If you encounter a foreigner with a Malaysian accent, you must report it to the authorities immediately for posterity and further study. Such an incident has never been documented in history and would present academicians and anthropologists with groundbreaking research material.

#33 Public Protests

Malaysian people are collectivists by nature and aren't fond of straying from societal norms and conventional paradigms. This is why they indulge in communal activities like gathering or complaining.

A long time ago, a group of Malaysian people felt very strongly about an issue but didn't know how to channel their frustration. Then they had a brainstorm. They combined the Malaysian affinity for collectivism and complaining into a single activity, which is what we now know as a rally, demonstration or protest.

The Public Protest is the pinnacle of Malaysian discontent demonstration. Among the more prominent shows of dissatisfaction revolve around politicking, economic grouses, commodity hikes or even education policies. However, given the fact that Malaysian legislation prohibits gatherings of four or more people without police permits, most of these protests end in violence, more disgruntlement and neverending arguments on civil rights. The foreign press is fond of reporting on such Malaysian protestations because it allows them to remind their citizens that freedom of speech is a privilege, not a right.

Public protesting can sometimes start out as innocent community events. However, given the Malaysian penchant for grievances, this soon turns into a full blown show of dissatisfaction for policies, administrations or the most important cause of all: self cause. If you happen to witness a Malaysian protest in action, be careful who you side with. Historically, the administration being rebelled against would prevail indubitably and you would be advised to accept the status quo. But in the words of Sam Cooke, "a change is gonna come."

#32 Nipponophilia

Nipponophile- One who advocates Japanese thought and culture

Malaysian people are strangely attracted to Japanese culture and its influences. While it would be easy to assume that this phenomenon was established and sustained since the Japanese Occupation in the 1940s, this would not substantially validate it. But before we ascertain the rationale for this Nipponophilia, we must examine how it has weaved its place into Malaysia's cultural fabric.

If we look at the typical diet of a Malaysian person, it would consist of rice as a staple food. Therefore, it's easy to make a transitive relation that Sushi appeals to them unequivocally. Which explains the copious amount of Sushi and Japanese restaurants in Malaysia. If you are with a Malaysian person who orders food in Japanese, it means you are dealing with an advanced level Malaysian who considers himself to be a connoisseur. Be careful with what and how you place your order. Your social status could be compromised by asking for the crabstick.

Besides Japanese music and TV shows, the Japanese persuasion is also felt through manga, anime and cosplay. Gone are the days when people silently appreciated these artistic formats with repeat readings and obsessive collections. Now Malaysian people live out their fantasies in full costumed glory at conventions and gatherings. This appeals immensely to Malaysian people as they get to take on a personality or gender (crossplay) more desirable than their own and justify hundreds of dollars spent on theatrical obsessions that otherwise would have gone to therapy bills.

Of course, being Malaysians, there is the need to go more than the whole nine yards. Manga, anime and the like are child's play for Malaysians who practise the extreme art of Nipponophilia integration. Thus, much like the sushi connoisseur, you will encounter Malaysians who take their Nipponophilia very seriously. It is not enough for these Malaysian people to study Japanese language and culture, they also have Japanese names, act kawaii or wear "harajuku" clothes. Therefore you should appreciate the effort made by Yuki Minami aka Tan Mei Ching to inject some diversity into the Malaysian demographic by thanking them properly with Arigatou Gozaimasu.

More information on this topic here.

Thanks to Synical for the idea behind this post.

Malaysian Problems- Foreign Artist Concerts

The Article:

"Avril Lavigne's Show Goes On in Malaysia". Jovie Baclayon. E! Online. August 24th 2008.

The Problem:

Foreign music artists whose personas and stage presence are deemed provocative and culturally contradicting by certain Malaysian groups face opposition when seeking to perform in the country.

The Solution:

Foreign artists should embrace Malaysian culture and traditions by toning down their attitudes and performances to suit the conservative local palate.

One way of incorporating local influences is for foreign artists to don the traditional garbs of Malaysian ethnicities. For instance, Avril Lavigne should employ a costume change that sees her perform in the Baju Kurung, Cheongsam and Sari. This will greatly endear her to Malalysians, even the more staunch traditionalists.

Foreign artists can also learn the local lingo and use it in their songs. For example, "Hey, hey, you, you I tak suka your girlfriend lah". If possible, they should also sing duets with local artists in an attempt to converge Western and Asian influences. An Avril and Mawi duet anyone?

Stuff Mentioned:

• Mainstream Music
• Caucasians
• Jumping On The Bandwagon
• Conspiracy Theories
• Defying Ethnic Stereotypes

Thanks to Skim for strongly suggesting this piece.

Malaysian People In The News- 24th August 2008

Chong Wei ‘Manipulated’ By BN, Says Guan Eng
By Sim Leoi Leoi
The Star Online
21st August 2008

DEWAN DISPATCHES: Lee Chong Wei Becomes Permatang Pauh Fodder
By Azmi Anshar
The New Straits Times Online
19th August 2008

Summary

Malaysian Badminton hero Lee Chong Wei sees his horizons widen as a result of his Olympic exploits. He is provided with an opportunity to contribute to the Government and his state of origin, Penang.

Best Passage

NST Online:

At Parliament House today, the Malaysian Olympic silver medalist cosied up with the Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Minister where he enthralled attendees with his winning exploits against his wily opponents, shuttlers leading up to the semis, though it was likely that his anecdotes against the great Lin Dan was minimal. It was already a known fact that coming in second in any Olympic sport meant a RM300,000 cash reward and a RM3,000 lifetime monthly pension, so we know Chong Wei will soon be, deservedly, filthily loaded.

What was NOT known was that the reward presentation will fortuitously be held in Penang tomorrow night. "Since he is a Penang boy, we've decided to have a cheque presentation in the state,” Datuk Seri Najib Razak said after a 10-minute meeting with Lee at his Parliament office.

The Star Online:

Penang Chief Minister Lim Guan Eng said there was no need to send Lee back to Permatang Pauh using an airplane provided by the Defence Ministry and landing at an airforce base for the purpose of the Permatang Pauh by-election campaign.

"It's quite clear that he's been manipulated and Barisan is using the ceremony to their advantage for the campaign."

Asked about the conferment by Yang di-Pertua Negri Tun Abdul Rahman Abbas of the Darjah Setia Pangkuan Negeri (DSPN) award on Lee on Aug 30, which carries the title "Datuk", Lim said the ceremony would take place after the polling date in Permatang Pauh.

"This is because we don't want to be seen as taking advantage of him," he said.

Stuff Mentioned

• Badminton
• Conspiracy Theories
• Asking About Money
• Jumping On The Bandwagon
• Complaining
• Short Term Memory

#31 Badminton

Malaysia is not known for its prowess as a sporting nation. In fact, it’s pretty hard to root for Malaysian athletes because you don’t get to see them progressing very far in tournaments or winning accolades. This is why Malaysian people watch foreign football leagues as opposed to the domestic one. But there is one sport where Malaysian people excel in and support fervently: Badminton.

Believe me when I say every Malaysian person ever born has tried their hand at Badminton at least once. There’s something inexplicable that draws Malaysian people to Badminton at an early age and inspires some to pursue professional careers. It could be the fact Badminton is easier to play and is less physically demanding than contact sports. Or perhaps it’s because deep down in the heart of each Malaysian parent lies the hope that their child could be the next great Malaysian Badminton player. Although Badminton may not be as athletically revered as Track & Field or Swimming, Malaysians have stuck with it and over the decades have produced a throng of Badminton prodigies who perplexingly burn out in their mid-twenties.

You might contend that Badminton is equally popular in Indonesia, China and maybe even Denmark, but I assure you no other country has as many aspiring Badminton players as Malaysia. For evidence of this, observe the burgeoning young talents who play Badminton with their neighbours over the fence or the out of shape average joe who fuels his Badminton fantasies every weekend at the neighbourhood court.

The recent Badminton Olympic final represented the pinnacle of Malaysian Badminton achievement. The nation rejoiced in anticipation of a long awaited Gold medal and the hype surrounding the event brought out the best in Malaysian people. Unfortunately, the final did not have a fairytale ending and this inevitably brought out the worst in Malaysian people. Cue the complaining and short term memory loss.

Nevertheless, being a professional Badminton player will always be on most Malaysian people’s dream job list along with Local Celebrity and Politician. In fact, being a successful Badminton player could pave a path into both those careers.

#30 Reinventing Their Names

What’s in a name? For Malaysian people, a lot. When you next talk to your Malaysian friend, try asking them about their name and its origins. There is probably a deep seated meaning and history behind their name but unfortunately, you’ll never find out what it is because Malaysian people adopt new monikers or alter their names as soon as they develop social awareness.

Malaysian people are aware that their names are not just a string of alphabets thrown together. Names reflect their personalities and background. Therefore they take great steps to alter their names to convey the sort of persona they desire. For some Malaysian people who were given more conservative and ethnically influenced names, it is a good idea to shorten them or perhaps add an English name. For instance; a name like Katijah could be shortened to "Kat" or maybe even “K”. Another example would be someone with the name Chong Ah Kow repackaging himself as Engelbert Chong to project maturity and sophistication.

For some Malaysian people who lack imagination, they simply form an acronym with their initials; Palanivel Janarthanan would henceforth be known as “PJ”. There are also some who deem their names not rexotic or unique enough and thus find solace in names such as Nanako or Ferrari. Once in awhile, you might encounter a Malaysian with a name like Sarah Dominique Lee. Notice that it contains only an ambiguous surname, a middle name and betrays no sign of the ethnicity. This is a well planned and foresightful method to naming children. A Malaysian person with this form of name at birth will have a head start in life.

The subtle changes made to their names ensure the Malaysian person’s desired personality is effectively communicated (pronunciation and spelling is arbitrary). However, given the inherent Malaysian need to one-up others, many have begun resorting to more extreme measures, resulting in names that have yet to appear on any birth certificate in history (Million, Celestial, Che Gustafa, Zique, Rikosama, Xobile!).

If you come across such colorful Malaysians, you must first smile and nod in quiet appreciation of their creativity in coining such a semantic symphony. Next, ask them what it means. Their answer is likely to be trifle but that doesn’t matter. The point is that you gave them a chance to talk about themselves which will sufficiently endear you to them. To seal the deal, stare admiringly at them and say, "Whoa. That is so deep."