#33 Public Protests

Malaysian people are collectivists by nature and aren't fond of straying from societal norms and conventional paradigms. This is why they indulge in communal activities like gathering or complaining.

A long time ago, a group of Malaysian people felt very strongly about an issue but didn't know how to channel their frustration. Then they had a brainstorm. They combined the Malaysian affinity for collectivism and complaining into a single activity, which is what we now know as a rally, demonstration or protest.

The Public Protest is the pinnacle of Malaysian discontent demonstration. Among the more prominent shows of dissatisfaction revolve around politicking, economic grouses, commodity hikes or even education policies. However, given the fact that Malaysian legislation prohibits gatherings of four or more people without police permits, most of these protests end in violence, more disgruntlement and neverending arguments on civil rights. The foreign press is fond of reporting on such Malaysian protestations because it allows them to remind their citizens that freedom of speech is a privilege, not a right.

Public protesting can sometimes start out as innocent community events. However, given the Malaysian penchant for grievances, this soon turns into a full blown show of dissatisfaction for policies, administrations or the most important cause of all: self cause. If you happen to witness a Malaysian protest in action, be careful who you side with. Historically, the administration being rebelled against would prevail indubitably and you would be advised to accept the status quo. But in the words of Sam Cooke, "a change is gonna come."

#32 Nipponophilia

Nipponophile- One who advocates Japanese thought and culture

Malaysian people are strangely attracted to Japanese culture and its influences. While it would be easy to assume that this phenomenon was established and sustained since the Japanese Occupation in the 1940s, this would not substantially validate it. But before we ascertain the rationale for this Nipponophilia, we must examine how it has weaved its place into Malaysia's cultural fabric.

If we look at the typical diet of a Malaysian person, it would consist of rice as a staple food. Therefore, it's easy to make a transitive relation that Sushi appeals to them unequivocally. Which explains the copious amount of Sushi and Japanese restaurants in Malaysia. If you are with a Malaysian person who orders food in Japanese, it means you are dealing with an advanced level Malaysian who considers himself to be a connoisseur. Be careful with what and how you place your order. Your social status could be compromised by asking for the crabstick.

Besides Japanese music and TV shows, the Japanese persuasion is also felt through manga, anime and cosplay. Gone are the days when people silently appreciated these artistic formats with repeat readings and obsessive collections. Now Malaysian people live out their fantasies in full costumed glory at conventions and gatherings. This appeals immensely to Malaysian people as they get to take on a personality or gender (crossplay) more desirable than their own and justify hundreds of dollars spent on theatrical obsessions that otherwise would have gone to therapy bills.

Of course, being Malaysians, there is the need to go more than the whole nine yards. Manga, anime and the like are child's play for Malaysians who practise the extreme art of Nipponophilia integration. Thus, much like the sushi connoisseur, you will encounter Malaysians who take their Nipponophilia very seriously. It is not enough for these Malaysian people to study Japanese language and culture, they also have Japanese names, act kawaii or wear "harajuku" clothes. Therefore you should appreciate the effort made by Yuki Minami aka Tan Mei Ching to inject some diversity into the Malaysian demographic by thanking them properly with Arigatou Gozaimasu.

More information on this topic here.

Thanks to Synical for the idea behind this post.

Malaysian Problems- Foreign Artist Concerts

The Article:

"Avril Lavigne's Show Goes On in Malaysia". Jovie Baclayon. E! Online. August 24th 2008.

The Problem:

Foreign music artists whose personas and stage presence are deemed provocative and culturally contradicting by certain Malaysian groups face opposition when seeking to perform in the country.

The Solution:

Foreign artists should embrace Malaysian culture and traditions by toning down their attitudes and performances to suit the conservative local palate.

One way of incorporating local influences is for foreign artists to don the traditional garbs of Malaysian ethnicities. For instance, Avril Lavigne should employ a costume change that sees her perform in the Baju Kurung, Cheongsam and Sari. This will greatly endear her to Malalysians, even the more staunch traditionalists.

Foreign artists can also learn the local lingo and use it in their songs. For example, "Hey, hey, you, you I tak suka your girlfriend lah". If possible, they should also sing duets with local artists in an attempt to converge Western and Asian influences. An Avril and Mawi duet anyone?

Stuff Mentioned:

• Mainstream Music
• Caucasians
• Jumping On The Bandwagon
• Conspiracy Theories
• Defying Ethnic Stereotypes

Thanks to Skim for strongly suggesting this piece.

Malaysian People In The News- 24th August 2008

Chong Wei ‘Manipulated’ By BN, Says Guan Eng
By Sim Leoi Leoi
The Star Online
21st August 2008

DEWAN DISPATCHES: Lee Chong Wei Becomes Permatang Pauh Fodder
By Azmi Anshar
The New Straits Times Online
19th August 2008

Summary

Malaysian Badminton hero Lee Chong Wei sees his horizons widen as a result of his Olympic exploits. He is provided with an opportunity to contribute to the Government and his state of origin, Penang.

Best Passage

NST Online:

At Parliament House today, the Malaysian Olympic silver medalist cosied up with the Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Minister where he enthralled attendees with his winning exploits against his wily opponents, shuttlers leading up to the semis, though it was likely that his anecdotes against the great Lin Dan was minimal. It was already a known fact that coming in second in any Olympic sport meant a RM300,000 cash reward and a RM3,000 lifetime monthly pension, so we know Chong Wei will soon be, deservedly, filthily loaded.

What was NOT known was that the reward presentation will fortuitously be held in Penang tomorrow night. "Since he is a Penang boy, we've decided to have a cheque presentation in the state,” Datuk Seri Najib Razak said after a 10-minute meeting with Lee at his Parliament office.

The Star Online:

Penang Chief Minister Lim Guan Eng said there was no need to send Lee back to Permatang Pauh using an airplane provided by the Defence Ministry and landing at an airforce base for the purpose of the Permatang Pauh by-election campaign.

"It's quite clear that he's been manipulated and Barisan is using the ceremony to their advantage for the campaign."

Asked about the conferment by Yang di-Pertua Negri Tun Abdul Rahman Abbas of the Darjah Setia Pangkuan Negeri (DSPN) award on Lee on Aug 30, which carries the title "Datuk", Lim said the ceremony would take place after the polling date in Permatang Pauh.

"This is because we don't want to be seen as taking advantage of him," he said.

Stuff Mentioned

• Badminton
• Conspiracy Theories
• Asking About Money
• Jumping On The Bandwagon
• Complaining
• Short Term Memory

#31 Badminton

Malaysia is not known for its prowess as a sporting nation. In fact, it’s pretty hard to root for Malaysian athletes because you don’t get to see them progressing very far in tournaments or winning accolades. This is why Malaysian people watch foreign football leagues as opposed to the domestic one. But there is one sport where Malaysian people excel in and support fervently: Badminton.

Believe me when I say every Malaysian person ever born has tried their hand at Badminton at least once. There’s something inexplicable that draws Malaysian people to Badminton at an early age and inspires some to pursue professional careers. It could be the fact Badminton is easier to play and is less physically demanding than contact sports. Or perhaps it’s because deep down in the heart of each Malaysian parent lies the hope that their child could be the next great Malaysian Badminton player. Although Badminton may not be as athletically revered as Track & Field or Swimming, Malaysians have stuck with it and over the decades have produced a throng of Badminton prodigies who perplexingly burn out in their mid-twenties.

You might contend that Badminton is equally popular in Indonesia, China and maybe even Denmark, but I assure you no other country has as many aspiring Badminton players as Malaysia. For evidence of this, observe the burgeoning young talents who play Badminton with their neighbours over the fence or the out of shape average joe who fuels his Badminton fantasies every weekend at the neighbourhood court.

The recent Badminton Olympic final represented the pinnacle of Malaysian Badminton achievement. The nation rejoiced in anticipation of a long awaited Gold medal and the hype surrounding the event brought out the best in Malaysian people. Unfortunately, the final did not have a fairytale ending and this inevitably brought out the worst in Malaysian people. Cue the complaining and short term memory loss.

Nevertheless, being a professional Badminton player will always be on most Malaysian people’s dream job list along with Local Celebrity and Politician. In fact, being a successful Badminton player could pave a path into both those careers.

#30 Reinventing Their Names

What’s in a name? For Malaysian people, a lot. When you next talk to your Malaysian friend, try asking them about their name and its origins. There is probably a deep seated meaning and history behind their name but unfortunately, you’ll never find out what it is because Malaysian people adopt new monikers or alter their names as soon as they develop social awareness.

Malaysian people are aware that their names are not just a string of alphabets thrown together. Names reflect their personalities and background. Therefore they take great steps to alter their names to convey the sort of persona they desire. For some Malaysian people who were given more conservative and ethnically influenced names, it is a good idea to shorten them or perhaps add an English name. For instance; a name like Katijah could be shortened to "Kat" or maybe even “K”. Another example would be someone with the name Chong Ah Kow repackaging himself as Engelbert Chong to project maturity and sophistication.

For some Malaysian people who lack imagination, they simply form an acronym with their initials; Palanivel Janarthanan would henceforth be known as “PJ”. There are also some who deem their names not rexotic or unique enough and thus find solace in names such as Nanako or Ferrari. Once in awhile, you might encounter a Malaysian with a name like Sarah Dominique Lee. Notice that it contains only an ambiguous surname, a middle name and betrays no sign of the ethnicity. This is a well planned and foresightful method to naming children. A Malaysian person with this form of name at birth will have a head start in life.

The subtle changes made to their names ensure the Malaysian person’s desired personality is effectively communicated (pronunciation and spelling is arbitrary). However, given the inherent Malaysian need to one-up others, many have begun resorting to more extreme measures, resulting in names that have yet to appear on any birth certificate in history (Million, Celestial, Che Gustafa, Zique, Rikosama, Xobile!).

If you come across such colorful Malaysians, you must first smile and nod in quiet appreciation of their creativity in coining such a semantic symphony. Next, ask them what it means. Their answer is likely to be trifle but that doesn’t matter. The point is that you gave them a chance to talk about themselves which will sufficiently endear you to them. To seal the deal, stare admiringly at them and say, "Whoa. That is so deep."

Malaysian Problems- Sexual Identity

The Article:

"Sex On Demand". Focus. The Star Online. June 15 2008.

The Problem:

Malaysian people are slowly achieving sexual liberation. This is a good thing.

But, how do you tell which team that guy/girl plays for? Are they double agents?

The Scenario:

You see a girl you like in the club. She's attractive, fun, carefree. You approach her with designs on whispering sweet nothings in her ear and sweeping her off her feet. Hold up, cowboy. Someone ran interference on your game. Some girl, to be specific. Are those your sirens wailing?

Malaysian women are fond of talking about their "lesbian partners" in attempts to appear edgy and progressive. They upped their ante, son. It isn't just talk anymore. Is the game over for you? Not quite.

It is a strange phenomenon that Malaysian women only act out their lesbian fantasies in public places with an audience (mainly male). And somehow, this hot lesbian action is conveniently poised for maximum photographic exposure. Malaysian men say: How did I get so lucky? Malaysian women say: Hook, line and sinker!

The real Malaysian LGBT community would not condone deliberate acts of homosexualty for novelty purposes. Neither does the bonafide LGBT crowd have a penchant for public exhibitionism. The faux lesbian performance you witnessed last night while clubbing was a ruse. Choreographed to titilate your senses and give you false hope of sexual promiscuity. It will not happen. Instead you will be taken for a ride (not the kind you want).

The Solution:

Ignore the public display of a-fake-tion. It will do your dignity good and spur the aspiring actresses on to more fervent performances. Soon they'll start to feel silly and think of better ways to attract attention. Ways that benefit you of course. Enough with the Lindsay Lohan act, sweetheart. It's embarrassing.

Stuff Mentioned:

• Jumping On The Bandwagon
• Taking Pictures
• Conspiracy Theories
• Short Term Memory
• Defying Ethnic Stereotypes

Thanks to Paul Tan for the topic suggestion.

#29 Football

Malaysian people love football (soccer, as some of you call it). It is a veritable pastime and for some, it practically constitutes a reason for living. A Malaysian person can spend hours watching back to back football games, yelling and gesticulating wildly at the TV screen whether he/she is alone or in a group, doing the same. But before you use this information for personal gain, let’s explore the mind of a Malaysian football fan.

The Malaysian football fan will first encounter football in his or her formative years as they watch Dad screaming at the guy on TV who’s running away with a ball being chased by 20 other guys. Soon, the Malaysian adolescent begins to develop a fascination for the strange spectacle and asks the father about it.

Boy : Dad, what’s football?
Dad : It’s a game, son.
Boy : Like hide and seek?
Dad : No, boy. Like life and death.

Once the seeds of football have been planted in the minds of impressionable young tykes, comes the crucial point in their lives; picking a team. This step is one that must be seriously thought over for the ramifications can be catastrophic. A Malaysian person must pick a team that will foreseeably be successful well into their adult life. If they pick a team that is a dud, they risk going through life being scorned by fans of better teams and watching their team languishing in mediocrity. Of course they have the option of switching allegiances to other teams, but this is tantamount to sin. This is why some people are called “Judas”.

Unfortunately, some Malaysian people had the choice of team made by their parent a long time ago and they might be supporting a mid-table or God forbid- non league team. But this can be used to their advantage as they can accuse other Malaysian people of being “Gloryhunters” or fair-weather fans. Gloryhunters will never admit that they are supporting a team just because they’re successful. You should never insinuate this for it could lead to them either ostracizing you or giving you a long lecture on their history as a fan of the club. Both outcomes are equally unpleasant.

A typical Saturday night for most football fans involves a crowded pub or mamak stall (future post), effusive fans and a large TV screen. Expect to hear many insults thrown at the referee or the fancy player who has a penchant for theatrics. Some fans may get violent, but you shouldn’t worry. It’s just their way of expressing themselves, like how cavemen used to bang their chests and yell a lot. Once the game is over, you might see some crestfallen fans who weep in disappointment at their vicarious dreams being shattered. This means they have to get back to the harsh realities of real life. This is something they do not want. But if their team should win, this would make their existence seem meaningful as they are part of something some group of people did in some land far away.

But the match does not end there. Malaysian people also feel the need to analyse, complain or gloat about the events post-match. For some, this is more important than the match itself as they get to imagine that they are sports commentators on a TV programme. A sports commentator position is one that Malaysians dream of as no other job pays you five figures to wax lyrical about 22 men fighting over a leather sphere. If you’re feeling particularly masochistic, you should ask a Malaysian person to explain to you how football leagues are secretly controlled by bookies and organized crime. Of course, Malaysian people also feel the need to supplement this passion for football with Futsal games. Futsal is essentially football but in a smaller court with less people that allows amateur players to feel like they are professionals.

The end of a football season triggers withdrawal symptoms in Malaysian people as they start to resemble an extra from a George A. Romero film. This can be a frightening sight for someone unaccustomed to it. It is necessary that you relate to their pain. However, once football season begins again, they’ll be back to themselves. Expect to hear the phrase “Now life has meaning again.”

Note: There are Malaysian people who wear football jerseys in non-football situations. This kind of Malaysian person must be handled carefully.

#28 Facebook

Living the life of a Malaysian person is never easy. Each new day is another struggle to prove that they are better than the next Malaysian. That is why social networking sites exist. In the past, Malaysians used Friendster or MySpace but slowly everyone gravitated towards Facebook. It was of course, unacceptable for Malaysian people to remain on old networks and thus started the Facebook era.

The power of Facebook in raising a Malaysian person’s social status in life cannot be underestimated, the profile page is very important in determining social desirability. The first thing a Malaysian person will look at (besides your self-photography) is the number of friends you have. A large number of friends is very crucial and a benchmark to one’s status in the social hierarchy. Anything less than a thousand friends could lead to you being labelled a social pariah. You do not want this.

The next indicative sign a Malaysian person will observe is personal information such as education, influences and basically what stereotype they can pigeonhole you into for future reference. The more astute Malaysian will list the most obscure (but foreign) elements in his/her profile. Western or European movies, books, philosophy, music and clichéd quotes are all acceptable to project that they are cultured and knowledgeable. It is also necessary for a Malaysian person to join as many celebrity (I Heart Brad Pitt), political (Obama for President) or social cause (1 Million Malaysians Against Fuel Hike) groups and applications to demonstrate their firm understanding of pop culture and the socio-political climate.

Another crucial element of the Malaysian Facebook dynamic is to constantly update their profile with updates on what they are doing or thinking to show how busy, popular or smart they are (“Andy. Is. So. Tired.”, “Sasha is excited about her trip to Melbourne, w00t!”, “Tiffany loves the romantic ambience of Starbucks..”, “George is pumped from his intense gym session!!”, “Mandy got 90% for her Macro Econs paper!”, “Lina is assignmenting..”). But it is not enough to constantly update a profile message, Malaysian people also need to photograph all the events that take place in their lives and compile them into a photo album. Malaysian people have a knack for making the mundane seem interesting and this is evident when you see those albums featuring them in a drunken stupor at a club or pictures of their half eaten dinners from the day before.

Facebook is also a credible source of information and news for Malaysian people. For example, reading the messages that people leave on friends’ walls (“Hey, I’ve been good. Hectic as usual but that’s me, busy busy busy!”). If a Malaysian person desires to find out more about that guy or girl they’re interested in, all they have to do is cybersquat on their Facebook page and watch their daily updates as well as admire the aesthetic nuances of that person’s pictures. This information they gain can then be conveniently used in future conversations (“I really enjoyed The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. No way, you too? We’re like soulmates, it’s insane!”). Even their friendships can be managed easier. All they have to do is leave a message on their acquaintances’ page once every six months or simply poke them. This shows the sincerity and fortitude of their relationship that extends to cyberspace.

Remember that a Malaysian person’s Facebook page is every bit as critical to their identity as their job, friends and living address. If eyes are the window to a person’s soul, Facebook is the door to a Malaysian person’s mind. Anything you can absorb and decipher from a Malaysian person’s page can be highly useful but at the same time highly deceptive. This is because none of the things they state were true to begin with. But they sure would like you to believe that it is.


Note: A Malaysian person who doesn’t have an account at any social networking site is either a Counterculturalist or does not own a computer. Both are equally dangerous.

Malaysian People In The News- 10th August 2008

Finding The Best Bargains
By Renita Che Wan
The Star Online
3rd August 2008

Summary

A Malaysian couple exemplify the Malaysian values of shrewdness and cost efficiency.

Best Quotes

Every morning, as soon as the newspapers arrive, the couple flips through the pages and makes comparisons in prices between ­several hypermarkets in the Klang Valley. They feel that paying a little more attention to the newspaper advertisements really helps them to save when they go out shopping for household items.

When asked for shopping tips, Henry said: “At 8.30pm, make sure you loiter around in front of Jusco in 1 Utama. They usually sell their durians at half price. Sometimes they even give 30% discount on selected items around that time.

“Once you reach our age, you are going to be as kiasu as we are,” he said with a laugh.

Stuff Mentioned

• Shopping
• Food
• Asking About Money
• Jumping On The Bandwagon/ Kiasuism

#27 Hating Singapore

Malaysia has a longstanding relationship filled with grudging tolerance and mutual animosity for its neighbouring country, Singapore. For the uninitiated, Singapore used to be a part of Malaysia a very long time ago. Some people still think they should be. But these are the same people who think divorce by SMS is perfectly legitimate.

But I digress. To help you understand, here’s an analogy: the relationship Malaysia and Singapore have is much like the relationship between the United States and Canada. Both countries are virtually the same save for one or two distinguishing factors and that they hate each other with a vengeance. If you guessed which country Malaysia is in that comparison, give yourself a pat on the back.

Malaysian people hate Singapore for various reasons. One of them is that Singaporeans are fond of claiming that they are superior to Malaysia as a country. Their basis for this postulation is their efficient public transport, totalitarian government, stringent pursuit of education and superior exchange rate. Some of these are things that Malaysians could debate but it would cause more bad than good through comparison. The usual retort of a Malaysian person is “Your country is a pirated version of ours”.

Malaysians will support the fact that they are better by stating the Malaysian origins of the hawker food which Singapore falsely acknowledges as theirs, a country much larger and richer with natural resources and the absence of laws on chewing gum. That’s it really. Of course, one could make the argument that a Malaysian may be kiasu but would never stoop to the depths that a Singaporean will. This age old question of who is more kiasu will one day be answered when both countries organize a free food eating competition to the death.

However there are a significant number of Malaysians who are constantly caught in this crossfire. They are the Malaysians plying their trade in Singapore and more often than not, are Permanent Residents. These Malaysians feel an obvious loyalty to their country of origin but are equally compelled to serve their own cause. If you should ever question the loyalty of a Malaysian living in Singapore, be prepared for a long, drawn out answer which they have prepared and perfected over time to deal with irritants like you.

This conflicted Malaysian will state that they are actually doing Malaysia a service. Although they may work in Singapore, they spend all of their hard earned money in Malaysia whenever possible. Because the exchange rate is 2:1, they are able to contribute more to the economy than the average Malaysian can. While doing this, they are also plundering Singapore’s resources and using up what natural energy that they have on a long term basis. So you see, the Malaysian living in Singapore is actually performing a national duty that is most ingenious but requires a great amount of personal sacrifice. Naturally this is something you must acknowledge.

Take this Malaysian aside and say to them “Hey, thanks. Sincerely, Malaysia”. Then grin and give them two thumbs up. This Malaysian will then return to Singapore with a smile on their face that stretches further than a Singaporean’s waistband after a buffet meal.

#26 Defying Ethnic Stereotypes

“I am not your typical Malaysian but a mixture of the American lifestyle, Chinese diligence, Italian romanticism, German efficiency, French sophistication and Japanese looks...I’m interesting to say the least!”.

The above statement (reader submitted profile description from a social networking site) is a cultural barometer of how Malaysian people view themselves. While Malaysia may predominantly consist of Malays, Chinese and Indians, it is apparent that Malaysia’s diverse heritage and influences are also inclusive of adopted foreign affectations.

A defining and crucial facet of a Malaysian person is his or her cultural and ethnic landscape. While one may be born of a particular ethnicity, they may not ascribe to its culture in entirety. In fact, it is most desirable to refute any traces of your ethnic heritage and integrate more exotic aspects into your character. Let us examine the following conversation:

Victor : I met this girl at KLCC last week. I think she’s quite special.
Frank : Really. What’s she like?
Victor : Well she’s of Chinese descent but she’s not your typical Chinese person. She dresses like one of those girls on The Hills. She doesn’t speak a word of Chinese, only English because she studied in the US and she doesn’t even have a Chinese name.
Frank : Ah I see, so where is she from then?
Victor : I thought that was clear. She's Malaysian.

While it may be confusing to foreigners how rejecting home-grown and inherited values can be cool, it is very clear cut to Malaysians. To assist those of you who are confused, here is a simple equation:

Malaysian person – Inherited ethnic influences + Arbitrary foreign elements = Heightened social status.

It is as simple as that!
Sometimes, the Not-Quite-Malaysian (NQM) will be rebuked by more patriotic citizens about their non-local stance. The transcript you are about to see is an example of how to deal with such criticism:

Neil : You’re hardly Indian. You don’t even speak your mother tongue!
Matthew : Oh quite the contrary, I am more in touch with my cultural heritage than most Indians. While I may not speak Tamil, I am familiar with India’s historical development, varying caste systems, the Indian Cultural Revolution and the Indian Diaspora dilemma. So you see, while I may not fit your rudimentary definition of “Indian”, I am more Indian than most!
Neil : You're quite right old chap. I'm terribly sorry. But tell me, why do you live in England then?

Matthew : Why the bloody hell not? It is my motherland after all.

After such examples, your clarity and identification of the NQM should have improved exponentially. However, if you are still having trouble identifying NQMs, please study the Seven Statutes of the Not-Quite-Malaysian:

1. Thou shalt not speak your mother tongue (if you do, feign ignorance)
2. Thou shalt reject all ethnic traditions and customs (only Christmas is allowed)
3. Thou shalt dress in foreign inspired attire (not necessarily fashionably)
4. Thou shalt spend time in foreign country (at least a year)
5. Thou shalt develop and maintain foreign accent (you are allowed to combine different elements)
6. Thou shalt only embrace foreign influences (music, art, movies, books)
7. Thou shalt claim you are “A citizen of the world”

Perhaps now you comprehend why Malaysians are so conflictedly rich in culture. This is why they follow British English rules, watch American TV programs and speak in Australian accents. It also explains why some ethnicities dress like they were transplanted from South Central, are avid fans of Japanese culture (future post) or only eat Western food. Besides the personal satisfaction that Malaysian people derive from such efforts, it is also to make you, the foreigner feel at home. So next time you see a Malaysian person doing a spastic impression of Justin Timberlake, you should feel honored that he is trying to make you feel comfortable in your strange surroundings.

Take the time to digest this information. For a true blue Malaysian, this can be overwhelming at first. But once you have realigned your perception and liberated yourself from domestic trappings, you too can be on your way to becoming a proud and worldly Not-Quite-Malaysian!

Malaysian Problems- Parking

The Article:

"Indiscriminate Parking Everywhere In City". Metro Central. The Star Online. July 31st, 2008.

The Problem:

What should you do when you encounter an inconvenient parking situation?

The Solution:

The presence of a vehicle obstructing the path of yours can be an unpleasant experience, especially if no contact number is left for you to request the person to move said obstruction. There are several options for you to pursue, with varying degrees of extremity.

First, you can manually move the car that is blocking yours by releasing the handbrake and pushing it into a more strategic position. The means by which you acquire access to the inside of the car is entirely up to you but blunt, steel objects work best.

Secondly, you could call the respective municipal council or contact the nearest law enforcers to assist you in such a predicament. It is their civic duty to ensure traffic laws are adhered to and if need be, administer punitive measures. Realistically though, you are better off waiting for the Apocalypse to happen.

The last option is the path most taken by the average Malaysian, that is to stand by waiting and complain to whoever will listen to you. This diatribe will foreseeably last until the owner of the hindrance arrives, with a sheepish look on his face and nary an apology. He will drive away. So will you. You both live to park another day.

Conclusion:

Drive less. Avoid popular areas. But if you must, store metal objects in your car for facilitation of moving obstructions. For passive-aggressive individuals, seek therapy on scheduled basis.

Further Reading:

• Being Late
• Complaining
• Short Term Memory
• True Story- Traffic Offender: University Double Parking (courtesy of Jenkin Yat)