Malaysian Problems- Sexual Identity

The Article:

"Sex On Demand". Focus. The Star Online. June 15 2008.

The Problem:

Malaysian people are slowly achieving sexual liberation. This is a good thing.

But, how do you tell which team that guy/girl plays for? Are they double agents?

The Scenario:

You see a girl you like in the club. She's attractive, fun, carefree. You approach her with designs on whispering sweet nothings in her ear and sweeping her off her feet. Hold up, cowboy. Someone ran interference on your game. Some girl, to be specific. Are those your sirens wailing?

Malaysian women are fond of talking about their "lesbian partners" in attempts to appear edgy and progressive. They upped their ante, son. It isn't just talk anymore. Is the game over for you? Not quite.

It is a strange phenomenon that Malaysian women only act out their lesbian fantasies in public places with an audience (mainly male). And somehow, this hot lesbian action is conveniently poised for maximum photographic exposure. Malaysian men say: How did I get so lucky? Malaysian women say: Hook, line and sinker!

The real Malaysian LGBT community would not condone deliberate acts of homosexualty for novelty purposes. Neither does the bonafide LGBT crowd have a penchant for public exhibitionism. The faux lesbian performance you witnessed last night while clubbing was a ruse. Choreographed to titilate your senses and give you false hope of sexual promiscuity. It will not happen. Instead you will be taken for a ride (not the kind you want).

The Solution:

Ignore the public display of a-fake-tion. It will do your dignity good and spur the aspiring actresses on to more fervent performances. Soon they'll start to feel silly and think of better ways to attract attention. Ways that benefit you of course. Enough with the Lindsay Lohan act, sweetheart. It's embarrassing.

Stuff Mentioned:

• Jumping On The Bandwagon
• Taking Pictures
• Conspiracy Theories
• Short Term Memory
• Defying Ethnic Stereotypes

Thanks to Paul Tan for the topic suggestion.

#29 Football

Malaysian people love football (soccer, as some of you call it). It is a veritable pastime and for some, it practically constitutes a reason for living. A Malaysian person can spend hours watching back to back football games, yelling and gesticulating wildly at the TV screen whether he/she is alone or in a group, doing the same. But before you use this information for personal gain, let’s explore the mind of a Malaysian football fan.

The Malaysian football fan will first encounter football in his or her formative years as they watch Dad screaming at the guy on TV who’s running away with a ball being chased by 20 other guys. Soon, the Malaysian adolescent begins to develop a fascination for the strange spectacle and asks the father about it.

Boy : Dad, what’s football?
Dad : It’s a game, son.
Boy : Like hide and seek?
Dad : No, boy. Like life and death.

Once the seeds of football have been planted in the minds of impressionable young tykes, comes the crucial point in their lives; picking a team. This step is one that must be seriously thought over for the ramifications can be catastrophic. A Malaysian person must pick a team that will foreseeably be successful well into their adult life. If they pick a team that is a dud, they risk going through life being scorned by fans of better teams and watching their team languishing in mediocrity. Of course they have the option of switching allegiances to other teams, but this is tantamount to sin. This is why some people are called “Judas”.

Unfortunately, some Malaysian people had the choice of team made by their parent a long time ago and they might be supporting a mid-table or God forbid- non league team. But this can be used to their advantage as they can accuse other Malaysian people of being “Gloryhunters” or fair-weather fans. Gloryhunters will never admit that they are supporting a team just because they’re successful. You should never insinuate this for it could lead to them either ostracizing you or giving you a long lecture on their history as a fan of the club. Both outcomes are equally unpleasant.

A typical Saturday night for most football fans involves a crowded pub or mamak stall (future post), effusive fans and a large TV screen. Expect to hear many insults thrown at the referee or the fancy player who has a penchant for theatrics. Some fans may get violent, but you shouldn’t worry. It’s just their way of expressing themselves, like how cavemen used to bang their chests and yell a lot. Once the game is over, you might see some crestfallen fans who weep in disappointment at their vicarious dreams being shattered. This means they have to get back to the harsh realities of real life. This is something they do not want. But if their team should win, this would make their existence seem meaningful as they are part of something some group of people did in some land far away.

But the match does not end there. Malaysian people also feel the need to analyse, complain or gloat about the events post-match. For some, this is more important than the match itself as they get to imagine that they are sports commentators on a TV programme. A sports commentator position is one that Malaysians dream of as no other job pays you five figures to wax lyrical about 22 men fighting over a leather sphere. If you’re feeling particularly masochistic, you should ask a Malaysian person to explain to you how football leagues are secretly controlled by bookies and organized crime. Of course, Malaysian people also feel the need to supplement this passion for football with Futsal games. Futsal is essentially football but in a smaller court with less people that allows amateur players to feel like they are professionals.

The end of a football season triggers withdrawal symptoms in Malaysian people as they start to resemble an extra from a George A. Romero film. This can be a frightening sight for someone unaccustomed to it. It is necessary that you relate to their pain. However, once football season begins again, they’ll be back to themselves. Expect to hear the phrase “Now life has meaning again.”

Note: There are Malaysian people who wear football jerseys in non-football situations. This kind of Malaysian person must be handled carefully.

#28 Facebook

Living the life of a Malaysian person is never easy. Each new day is another struggle to prove that they are better than the next Malaysian. That is why social networking sites exist. In the past, Malaysians used Friendster or MySpace but slowly everyone gravitated towards Facebook. It was of course, unacceptable for Malaysian people to remain on old networks and thus started the Facebook era.

The power of Facebook in raising a Malaysian person’s social status in life cannot be underestimated, the profile page is very important in determining social desirability. The first thing a Malaysian person will look at (besides your self-photography) is the number of friends you have. A large number of friends is very crucial and a benchmark to one’s status in the social hierarchy. Anything less than a thousand friends could lead to you being labelled a social pariah. You do not want this.

The next indicative sign a Malaysian person will observe is personal information such as education, influences and basically what stereotype they can pigeonhole you into for future reference. The more astute Malaysian will list the most obscure (but foreign) elements in his/her profile. Western or European movies, books, philosophy, music and clichéd quotes are all acceptable to project that they are cultured and knowledgeable. It is also necessary for a Malaysian person to join as many celebrity (I Heart Brad Pitt), political (Obama for President) or social cause (1 Million Malaysians Against Fuel Hike) groups and applications to demonstrate their firm understanding of pop culture and the socio-political climate.

Another crucial element of the Malaysian Facebook dynamic is to constantly update their profile with updates on what they are doing or thinking to show how busy, popular or smart they are (“Andy. Is. So. Tired.”, “Sasha is excited about her trip to Melbourne, w00t!”, “Tiffany loves the romantic ambience of Starbucks..”, “George is pumped from his intense gym session!!”, “Mandy got 90% for her Macro Econs paper!”, “Lina is assignmenting..”). But it is not enough to constantly update a profile message, Malaysian people also need to photograph all the events that take place in their lives and compile them into a photo album. Malaysian people have a knack for making the mundane seem interesting and this is evident when you see those albums featuring them in a drunken stupor at a club or pictures of their half eaten dinners from the day before.

Facebook is also a credible source of information and news for Malaysian people. For example, reading the messages that people leave on friends’ walls (“Hey, I’ve been good. Hectic as usual but that’s me, busy busy busy!”). If a Malaysian person desires to find out more about that guy or girl they’re interested in, all they have to do is cybersquat on their Facebook page and watch their daily updates as well as admire the aesthetic nuances of that person’s pictures. This information they gain can then be conveniently used in future conversations (“I really enjoyed The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. No way, you too? We’re like soulmates, it’s insane!”). Even their friendships can be managed easier. All they have to do is leave a message on their acquaintances’ page once every six months or simply poke them. This shows the sincerity and fortitude of their relationship that extends to cyberspace.

Remember that a Malaysian person’s Facebook page is every bit as critical to their identity as their job, friends and living address. If eyes are the window to a person’s soul, Facebook is the door to a Malaysian person’s mind. Anything you can absorb and decipher from a Malaysian person’s page can be highly useful but at the same time highly deceptive. This is because none of the things they state were true to begin with. But they sure would like you to believe that it is.


Note: A Malaysian person who doesn’t have an account at any social networking site is either a Counterculturalist or does not own a computer. Both are equally dangerous.

Malaysian People In The News- 10th August 2008

Finding The Best Bargains
By Renita Che Wan
The Star Online
3rd August 2008

Summary

A Malaysian couple exemplify the Malaysian values of shrewdness and cost efficiency.

Best Quotes

Every morning, as soon as the newspapers arrive, the couple flips through the pages and makes comparisons in prices between ­several hypermarkets in the Klang Valley. They feel that paying a little more attention to the newspaper advertisements really helps them to save when they go out shopping for household items.

When asked for shopping tips, Henry said: “At 8.30pm, make sure you loiter around in front of Jusco in 1 Utama. They usually sell their durians at half price. Sometimes they even give 30% discount on selected items around that time.

“Once you reach our age, you are going to be as kiasu as we are,” he said with a laugh.

Stuff Mentioned

• Shopping
• Food
• Asking About Money
• Jumping On The Bandwagon/ Kiasuism

#27 Hating Singapore

Malaysia has a longstanding relationship filled with grudging tolerance and mutual animosity for its neighbouring country, Singapore. For the uninitiated, Singapore used to be a part of Malaysia a very long time ago. Some people still think they should be. But these are the same people who think divorce by SMS is perfectly legitimate.

But I digress. To help you understand, here’s an analogy: the relationship Malaysia and Singapore have is much like the relationship between the United States and Canada. Both countries are virtually the same save for one or two distinguishing factors and that they hate each other with a vengeance. If you guessed which country Malaysia is in that comparison, give yourself a pat on the back.

Malaysian people hate Singapore for various reasons. One of them is that Singaporeans are fond of claiming that they are superior to Malaysia as a country. Their basis for this postulation is their efficient public transport, totalitarian government, stringent pursuit of education and superior exchange rate. Some of these are things that Malaysians could debate but it would cause more bad than good through comparison. The usual retort of a Malaysian person is “Your country is a pirated version of ours”.

Malaysians will support the fact that they are better by stating the Malaysian origins of the hawker food which Singapore falsely acknowledges as theirs, a country much larger and richer with natural resources and the absence of laws on chewing gum. That’s it really. Of course, one could make the argument that a Malaysian may be kiasu but would never stoop to the depths that a Singaporean will. This age old question of who is more kiasu will one day be answered when both countries organize a free food eating competition to the death.

However there are a significant number of Malaysians who are constantly caught in this crossfire. They are the Malaysians plying their trade in Singapore and more often than not, are Permanent Residents. These Malaysians feel an obvious loyalty to their country of origin but are equally compelled to serve their own cause. If you should ever question the loyalty of a Malaysian living in Singapore, be prepared for a long, drawn out answer which they have prepared and perfected over time to deal with irritants like you.

This conflicted Malaysian will state that they are actually doing Malaysia a service. Although they may work in Singapore, they spend all of their hard earned money in Malaysia whenever possible. Because the exchange rate is 2:1, they are able to contribute more to the economy than the average Malaysian can. While doing this, they are also plundering Singapore’s resources and using up what natural energy that they have on a long term basis. So you see, the Malaysian living in Singapore is actually performing a national duty that is most ingenious but requires a great amount of personal sacrifice. Naturally this is something you must acknowledge.

Take this Malaysian aside and say to them “Hey, thanks. Sincerely, Malaysia”. Then grin and give them two thumbs up. This Malaysian will then return to Singapore with a smile on their face that stretches further than a Singaporean’s waistband after a buffet meal.

#26 Defying Ethnic Stereotypes

“I am not your typical Malaysian but a mixture of the American lifestyle, Chinese diligence, Italian romanticism, German efficiency, French sophistication and Japanese looks...I’m interesting to say the least!”.

The above statement (reader submitted profile description from a social networking site) is a cultural barometer of how Malaysian people view themselves. While Malaysia may predominantly consist of Malays, Chinese and Indians, it is apparent that Malaysia’s diverse heritage and influences are also inclusive of adopted foreign affectations.

A defining and crucial facet of a Malaysian person is his or her cultural and ethnic landscape. While one may be born of a particular ethnicity, they may not ascribe to its culture in entirety. In fact, it is most desirable to refute any traces of your ethnic heritage and integrate more exotic aspects into your character. Let us examine the following conversation:

Victor : I met this girl at KLCC last week. I think she’s quite special.
Frank : Really. What’s she like?
Victor : Well she’s of Chinese descent but she’s not your typical Chinese person. She dresses like one of those girls on The Hills. She doesn’t speak a word of Chinese, only English because she studied in the US and she doesn’t even have a Chinese name.
Frank : Ah I see, so where is she from then?
Victor : I thought that was clear. She's Malaysian.

While it may be confusing to foreigners how rejecting home-grown and inherited values can be cool, it is very clear cut to Malaysians. To assist those of you who are confused, here is a simple equation:

Malaysian person – Inherited ethnic influences + Arbitrary foreign elements = Heightened social status.

It is as simple as that!
Sometimes, the Not-Quite-Malaysian (NQM) will be rebuked by more patriotic citizens about their non-local stance. The transcript you are about to see is an example of how to deal with such criticism:

Neil : You’re hardly Indian. You don’t even speak your mother tongue!
Matthew : Oh quite the contrary, I am more in touch with my cultural heritage than most Indians. While I may not speak Tamil, I am familiar with India’s historical development, varying caste systems, the Indian Cultural Revolution and the Indian Diaspora dilemma. So you see, while I may not fit your rudimentary definition of “Indian”, I am more Indian than most!
Neil : You're quite right old chap. I'm terribly sorry. But tell me, why do you live in England then?

Matthew : Why the bloody hell not? It is my motherland after all.

After such examples, your clarity and identification of the NQM should have improved exponentially. However, if you are still having trouble identifying NQMs, please study the Seven Statutes of the Not-Quite-Malaysian:

1. Thou shalt not speak your mother tongue (if you do, feign ignorance)
2. Thou shalt reject all ethnic traditions and customs (only Christmas is allowed)
3. Thou shalt dress in foreign inspired attire (not necessarily fashionably)
4. Thou shalt spend time in foreign country (at least a year)
5. Thou shalt develop and maintain foreign accent (you are allowed to combine different elements)
6. Thou shalt only embrace foreign influences (music, art, movies, books)
7. Thou shalt claim you are “A citizen of the world”

Perhaps now you comprehend why Malaysians are so conflictedly rich in culture. This is why they follow British English rules, watch American TV programs and speak in Australian accents. It also explains why some ethnicities dress like they were transplanted from South Central, are avid fans of Japanese culture (future post) or only eat Western food. Besides the personal satisfaction that Malaysian people derive from such efforts, it is also to make you, the foreigner feel at home. So next time you see a Malaysian person doing a spastic impression of Justin Timberlake, you should feel honored that he is trying to make you feel comfortable in your strange surroundings.

Take the time to digest this information. For a true blue Malaysian, this can be overwhelming at first. But once you have realigned your perception and liberated yourself from domestic trappings, you too can be on your way to becoming a proud and worldly Not-Quite-Malaysian!

Malaysian Problems- Parking

The Article:

"Indiscriminate Parking Everywhere In City". Metro Central. The Star Online. July 31st, 2008.

The Problem:

What should you do when you encounter an inconvenient parking situation?

The Solution:

The presence of a vehicle obstructing the path of yours can be an unpleasant experience, especially if no contact number is left for you to request the person to move said obstruction. There are several options for you to pursue, with varying degrees of extremity.

First, you can manually move the car that is blocking yours by releasing the handbrake and pushing it into a more strategic position. The means by which you acquire access to the inside of the car is entirely up to you but blunt, steel objects work best.

Secondly, you could call the respective municipal council or contact the nearest law enforcers to assist you in such a predicament. It is their civic duty to ensure traffic laws are adhered to and if need be, administer punitive measures. Realistically though, you are better off waiting for the Apocalypse to happen.

The last option is the path most taken by the average Malaysian, that is to stand by waiting and complain to whoever will listen to you. This diatribe will foreseeably last until the owner of the hindrance arrives, with a sheepish look on his face and nary an apology. He will drive away. So will you. You both live to park another day.

Conclusion:

Drive less. Avoid popular areas. But if you must, store metal objects in your car for facilitation of moving obstructions. For passive-aggressive individuals, seek therapy on scheduled basis.

Further Reading:

• Being Late
• Complaining
• Short Term Memory
• True Story- Traffic Offender: University Double Parking (courtesy of Jenkin Yat)

#25 SMS

SMS, or texting as it is known in some parts of the world, is an integral part of the Malaysian person's identity and lifestyle. As a whole, Malaysians send over 20 billion text messages annually. The acronym "SMS" stands for Shortcut Malaysian Syndrome.

It is a well known fact that Asian people are non-confrontational by nature. This trait is prominent in Malaysian people as they constantly seek the least offensive, simplest, cheapest and most laconic way to convey rejection, disappointment or a "courtesy excuse". In fact, Malaysians have proven to be most ingenious with their usage of SMS. To illustrate this point, observe the following SMS conversations:

Bruce Weng : We r meeting l8er 4 drinks. Leave ball n chain @ home. Dun bring sand 2 d beach! LOL wat is ur status?

Harvey Tang: Negative, gf dun let. Permission denied.

Bruce Weng : LMAO! Ok, ur loss. Over.

Using SMS to deliver breaking news is also very popular:

Oi Lee: Petrol price go up 80 cent at 12 midnite. Go refuel now!

Or to disseminate jokes:

Brook : What did the gay politician say to his assistant?

Beck : I'm right behind you.

It is also permissible for a Malaysian man to divorce his wife through use of SMS. Observe the following text transcript:

Mohd Sayfool : I wan divorce u. Take note, ya..

Siti Hazmat : Wat?? C u in court.

Mohd Sayfool : No need, this is legal Shariah court ruling. Thx, bye!

The use of SMS is not restricted to difficult situations alone, in fact Malaysians consider texting a pasttime. It is not uncommon to see Malaysian people texting at the cinema, while eating or as they multitask behind the wheel. The manner in which a Malaysian person texts is also a distinguishing skill. To text with the fewest amount of characters possible is a proficiency developed in patience over time (eg. "OTW, wait4me", "CU thr", "Bk!") and you must be able to decipher the text lest you be labelled as "uncool" or "blur". It is also desirable to have a loud message alert tone so others are notified as to the amount of messages you receive which symbolise your popularity.

The most salient display of Malaysian people's affinity for SMS can be seen during local reality show campaigns. Malaysians are most generous in their SMS contributions to ensure their favourite contestants win the competition. It would be an understatement to say that these Malaysians are fanatical in their support. If their favourite should lose, they will spout conspiracy theories ("It's not fair, her Dad must have used his connections.") and conduct post mortems extensively ("They only kept her in to make money, they were never going to let her win!"). This of course, is something you can exploit to your advantage by simply saying "I'm pissed she didn't win, I voted for her too!".

By now, you should have surmised that in order to initiate a budding relationship with a Malaysian person, all you have to do is start with a simple text message; "Hi! Can we b frens ;-)??".

Malaysian People In The News- 29th July 2008

Sabah's Obama Link
By The Star Online (Metro)
28th July 2008

Obama Has Links To Malaysia
By Soo Ewe Jin
The Star Online
21st July 2008

Summary

Konrad Ng, whose family hails from Sabah, is married to Barack Obama's half sister. The Malaysian media has of course covered this story with great relish.

Best Quotes

In the past, the US presidential elections had never captured the attention of 60-year-old David Ng Ma Foh.

But now, every word said and every progress made by Democratic presidential hopeful Barrack Obama is read and digested by David, who has never felt strongly about a US presidential election or president hopeful until now.

David said that many of his relatives were following the US presidential elections and were proud that Dr Konrad was related to a very popular candidate.

“We hope Obama will win,” said David, adding that none of the family members here had met Maya or Obama

Dr Konrad Ng is amused that his Malaysian roots got noticed halfway round the world, thanks to his link to Democrat candidate Barack Obama.

Stuff Mentioned

• Part-Time Malaysians
• Jumping On The Bandwagon
• Local Celebrities

My thanks to the anonymous reader who pointed this out.

Do you have an article that prominently features Malaysian people? If you find something that you think mentions a lot of the stuff that Malaysian people like please send the link to nigel_lkb@yahoo.com with “Malaysian People In the News” as the title. If your story is selected, we will credit you and post a link to your site if you so desire.

#24 Melbourne

Melbourne, Australia is highly favoured by Malaysian people for a plethora of reasons. The city is one of the most cosmopolitan in Australia and Melbourne itself contains the largest number of Malaysians at approximately 30, 000.

Rest assured that Melbourne, along with Bali are safe and surefire conversation topics with Malaysian people. We will now examine the reasons that Melbourne is one of the most desired cities Malaysians go to to achieve the Malaysian Dream.

Given the comparatively favourable distance and exchange rate compared to the UK and the US, Australia has remained top on Malaysian people's list for foreign education. Most Malaysians first encounter Melbourne in their varsity years as they go over there to enroll in the many fine institutions the city has to offer. This influx of students over the past decade has therefore lead to a rise in Malaysian people taking up residency in Melbourne after they complete their studies.

Melbourne has many merits as a city; its rich cultural heritage, diversity, affordable cost of living, thriving seaport & automotive industry and so forth. All these factors contribute to the Malaysian person's pride of the city but in truth, they don't really matter all that much. It is only important that those things exist so that they can be used for small talk or to show off to other Malaysians. Paramount to a Malaysian's choice to live there is of course, other Malaysians (although they would never admit this).

The presence of their ilk, whether as students or working class citizens, brings great comfort to Malaysians. This means they can speak Manglish, eat Malaysian food and act out their usual Malaysian idiosyncrasies whilst occasionally rubbing shoulders with White people. Should a dalliance with a White person turn into something more substantial (ideally marriage), this would mean a Malaysian's mission in life has been accomplished and their Malaysian Dream would be complete.

Acquiring residency or citizen status in Melbourne is a proud and defining moment in the Malaysian person's life. It opens the door to a myriad of opportunities (Part-Time Malaysian status) and privileges. Chief among them is the fact that they can return home annually to tell their relatives and friends (in newly acquired Australian accent) how wonderful everything is overseas and that they should consider migrating too. Naturally, everyone will be impressed and get excited at the thought of doing so while the Melburnian Malaysian basks smugly in his accomplishment. This of course, will contrast sharply with the Malaysian's sentiments once returning to face the inclement weather and daily grind in Melbourne.

When partaking in a conversation with a Malaysian regarding Melbourne, you must be careful not to mention Sydney. Although Malaysians have an immense sense of pride for their adopted city, they are also very insecure and any implication that Melbourne is inferior to Sydney's size, pace and more modern provisions will put them in a state of depression.

If however you have committed this mea culpa, it is very easy to reverse the negative effect. Ask the Melburnian Malaysian what they think of other Australian cities like Brisbane, Perth or Adelaide. They will immediately launch into a spiel of how those cities are backwards, ethnically challenged and devoid of character. This will enable them to reaffirm their superiority and leave the conversation with a positive feeling about themselves and (to a lesser extent) you.