Malaysian People In The News- 21st July 2008

Maya Karin To Marry English Beau Next Month
By Jo Teh and Faslika Das
The Star Online
5th July 2008

Summary

Local celebrity Maya Karin announces her impending nuptials to her British beau, Steven Shorthose of seven years. Their wedding will be held in Bellagio, Italy on August 9th and 14th 2008.

Best Quote

"Steven, 38, from Liverpool, England, who converted to Islam four years ago, is known by his Muslim name Muhammad Ali, after the famous boxer. He now teaches Maths at The Alice Smith School in Seri Kembangan".

Asked to describe Steven, Maya said she likes him because “he is really funny and understanding”.

“He makes me laugh and compromises with my work schedule plus he has waited for me for seven years!” she said cheekily.

Stuff Mentioned

• Caucasians
• Local Celebrities
• Conspiracy Theories
• Part-Time Malaysians

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#22 Short Term Memory

Malaysian people have a unique memory that is both selective and temporary in its capacity. While Malaysians possess great focus and insight for current issues, this focalization can disappear overnight and the topic will never be heard of again.

Malaysians are generally inquisitive and can provide esoteric theories (see post #2) of the latest issues that captivate the nation. Current issues entail mistreatment of Mongolian emissaries, feuding statesmen and backdoor entry policies. However, even these incidents will soon be bygones in the minds of Malaysians, almost as if they did not exist.

People in Malaysia are also generally forgetful of the things they say or do. This is most advantageous when such discrepancies come back to haunt them. Commonly heard phrases "I don't remember _____" and "Looks like me, sounds like me, but I forgot _____". After dismissing credible proof and evidence, efforts will be made to ensure all notion and history which discredits them will be swept under the carpet.

The Malaysian person's limited capacity for memory is such that a former Prime Minister of Malaysia wrote a now famous poem entitled "Melayu Mudah Lupa" (Malays Forget Easily) which has now entered the annals of Malaysian polemic literature. Ironically, said Prime Minister now experiences memory loss when questioned about dubious developments.

The Malaysian memory is therefore a medical marvel/mystery illness that biologically works in their favor and it is blasphemous for you to question their version of events.

Don't forget to remember that.

#21 Wang Leehom

In a country as diverse as Malaysia, it is difficult to identify a celebrity that is multilaterally loved by all. However, Wang Leehom is that one such artist who transcends race, religion and language.

Wang Leehom is an American Born Chinese (ABC) singer/actor who first found fame in Taiwan before whipping the whole of Asia into a fanatic frenzy. His forte is music that evokes heartwrenching emotions and oozes overwrought sentimentality which appeals immensely to Asians. Although his credentials merit the adulation he receives, we must examine why Malaysians adore him.

Firstly, he is an Asian who was raised in the States and has Western influences in his craft. He therefore embodies the Malaysian dream of growing up abroad, being Westernized and having a foreign education. This also earns him points with non-Chinese Malaysians who can't relate to other Taiwanese artists like Jay Chou. Secondly, Malaysia has been one of his most frequent concert sites which only serves to endear him more to Malaysians. But the most redeeming factors are his highly lauded 2004 duet with local songbird Siti Nurhaliza and the fact that he filmed the Ang Lee helmed movie; "Lust, Caution" in Ipoh, Malaysia. These events gave Malaysians reasons to be proud of the country (and relate it to themselves).

Wang Leehom's influence is such that his face can not only be seen on pirated CDs/DVDs and kitschy memorabilia, but his voice is also channeled through ardent karaoke practitioners throughout the country (for critical evidence of this, click here).

#20 Hitz FM

Paramount to the Malaysian person’s identity is his/her taste in music (see post #7). To evaluate a Malaysian’s music repertoire, one must also consider the factor of public radio stations. Public radio stations in Malaysia are limited at best, but offer choices for varying demographics. For the past decade or so, one radio station has pervaded local airwaves and dominated the aural attention of listeners; Hitz FM. Hitz FM proclaims itself to be “Malaysia’s No.1 hit station” through sophisticated research founded on baseless claims. Their coverage is such that they have even established their own TV channel showcasing overhyped and underdeveloped local talents as well as their effusive and affected disc jockeys.

Hitz FM is not so much a radio station as it is a pre-programmed record player. Their revolutionary strategy to win over listeners is to play the same Top 40 songs on a rotation basis every four hours or so. Although many have lamented this repetitive format, Hitz FM still retains its listener base because Malaysians are predictable and still tune in despite their complaints. Besides their pre-determined playlists, Hitz FM incorporates ingenious and original programs into their routine. One such program is the trite and tested prank call which always succeeds in bemusing the victim and listeners due to its sheer inanity.

The DJs Hitz FM employ are also crucial to their success. Banking on Malaysians veneration of foreign elements, Hitz FM capitalises on this by hiring DJs with exotic accents that captivate and convince the average listener. This foreign policy also extends to the “local” talents showcased by Hitz FM in their media efforts (see post #10 for more information). The element of pretence is extremely vital to the station’s success because Malaysians aspire to be as hip and urbane as possible, which is thereby reflected in their choice of auditory channels.

In your efforts to determine how “Malaysian” a person is, the choice of radio channel is your most indicative insight. The truly Malaysian person will only have Hitz Fm playing on his radio to show that he is into mainstream music, has no independent thoughts of his own and enjoys being part of the popular mass majority (see post #11). These Malaysian traits have been duly identified and capitalised on by Hitz FM thereby retaining their place as the premier radio station.

To connect with a true Malaysian, say how much you dig the Morning Crew’s antics and that you once aspired to be a DJ in your youth. This will put you in good standing with the Malaysian as they recollect how they too harboured such fanciful thoughts while getting their daily dose of Malaysia’s most ostentatious radio station.



Further insight on Hitz FM here.

#19 Asking About Money

One topic of discourse the Malaysian person enjoys indubitably is money. This includes asking others how much money they make, how much they paid for something, what their monthly expenses are, etc. Despite the sensitive and private nature of money to some people, Malaysians will not hesitate to prod and peruse the financial aspect of other people’s lives on a daily basis.

Inquiring about money is essential to the Malaysian’s self-confidence and assessment of others. By having intimate knowledge of someone’s earnings, the Malaysian can determine his and said person’s comparative ranking in the unseen social hierarchy. The general rule of thumb is: more money=higher status (foreigners and celebrities are exempt from this rule). Having knowledge that someone makes less money than himself gives the Malaysian great pride and assurance. However, should the Malaysian meet someone earning more money than he, his mind will be wracked with turmoil and will not rest until he reaches justification that the other person earns more because of unscrupulous methods (“I know! He must be having an affair with his boss. No one makes that much at my age!”).

Although most Malaysians can be cajoled into revealing their finances after awhile, there are some who remain steadfast in their reticence. No amount of coaxing will persuade them to loosen their restraint. This would be perfectly respectable except for the fact that the most secretive Malaysian will also be the most inquisitive.

This inquisitive Malaysian who refuses to reveal any information whatsoever regarding their money matters will nonetheless interrogate others about their fiscal situation. This type of Malaysian takes great pleasure in pursuing private information of others while retaining their own. After acquiring the facts and figures of others, the inquisitive Malaysian conducts his own assessment and evaluation. His treatment and judgment of the people whose information he possesses will then be based on the rating scale he has set in his mind.

If you encounter a Malaysian who is insistent on extracting your profit and loss statement, fabricate a figure that will leave him floundering (“I make $300k a month and I don’t even have to go to the office!”). This will leave the Malaysian flabbergasted and the knowledge will haunt him day and night. He will not bother you anymore out of insecurity, until he self-surmises that your money is the result of ill gotten gains or money laundering at which point he can feel good about himself again.

#18 IKEA

In line with the high regard they have for all things foreign, Malaysians have accorded IKEA with an unassailable position in their hearts and living rooms. From avant garde disposable lamps to collapsible chartreuse cupboards, the pursuit of the IKEA catalogue lifestyle has never been more salient.

Whilst this threatens to homogenize homes across the country and put domestic furnishers out of business, Malaysians throw caution to the wind and head to IKEA every weekend to purchase "that one item" that will make their homes, and lives complete.

By delving into the psyche of the Malaysian, one deduces that despite their quest to achieve a higher and unique social status, in reality they find comfort in homogeneity and collectivism. Although they desire to appear as individuals with good taste, Malaysians are actually consoled by the fact that thousands of others own the same paraphernalia as them thus affirming their choices and beliefs. This psychoanalysis also reveals that Malaysians relate empty space in their homes with the emptiness of their souls that they hope can be filled by Swedish furniture.

The weekend IKEA experience has emerged as a family bonding session where families brave the humidity, traffic and fellow shoppers to look for more stuff to fill their homes with. The IKEA shopper aggressively pursues ornaments and upholstery they believe will give their homes a sense of "elegance and sophistication". The experience is also not complete without consumption of Swedish gastronomic staples that are deemed exotic and quaint but prepared by local culinary talents.

If you enter a Malaysian's home and notice their IKEA adornments, commend them on the exactness of their humble abode to this month's catalogue. This will give your Malaysian hosts great pleasure and they will regard you as their new best friend.



Further insight on IKEA here.

#17 Being Late

Been waiting long? Get used to it. You've just been a victim of Malaysian timing. While other countries and cultures might have their own standards for tardiness, Malaysians definitely take the cake for being off time all the time.

While it may be customary sometimes to wait for your friends or acquaintances, Malaysians have set new standards for being consistently late. In fact, if you should make an appointment with a Malaysian, be there 30 minutes or one hour later than the time you actually scheduled. Even if you are a foreigner, Malaysians expect you to know their coded version of timing.

This problem with punctuality permeates Malaysian culture to the point that phrases such as "I'm on the way, on the way!" and "Nearby, almost there" are the most commonly heard sentences in and around the country. Malaysians will be late for job interviews, work, movies, dinner, periods you name it. However, there is an exception made for occasions that pertain free gifts or goods of any nature. These events normally evoke the early bird in Malaysians.

Given the perpetual dilatory of Malaysians, one would expect valid and even original excuses. Yet, the conciliations remain the same; traffic, work, bad directions, traffic again (both sides of highway). But what even Malaysians don't know, is that they are really late because subconsciously they enjoy the knowledge that they are the center of attention and that people are waiting for them. It makes them feel good to know people anxiously await their presence and they will milk every last possible second until they arrive (once they do, they will feign a profusely apologetic stance). By doing this, they create the illusion that they are too important to show up on time because they are busy juggling the hundreds of other events in their lives. This constant lateness lowers punctuality expectations and on a day that they actually turn up on time, their friends will be ever so grateful to them for it ("It's so thoughtful of you to show up AND be on time today!").

Malaysians also secretly revel in the fact that they have gained leverage on others because they were waited for instead of waiting for ("Yes!! I made them wait for me, suckers! I have the upper hand"). Being late is also a refined skill, like arriving late for dinner (to skip the small talk) just as the food is being served. This gives them great pleasure and allows them to personify the term "fashionably late" (although this is an oxymoron for most Malaysians).

#16 Blogs

The presence of the Internet has been both a blessing and a curse for Malaysians. Malaysians who were once repressed now have an outlet to air their feelings and thoughts through blogs. On the other hand, everyone who is anyone can air their opinions online and call themselves "writers" in their attempts to make a quick buck and get on the fast track to fame.

The Malaysian blogosphere has different standards for men and women. First we shall explore the types of blogs females keep. The typical blog kept by a young female Malaysian is her first stab at airing her emotions and thoughts which in the old days, were written in a diary. The impetus for her blog is normally a traumatic break up or a dearth of attention from society. The first type of female blogger is what we shall call the "Visual Aid" blogger. The Visual Aid blogger chronicles her life as a social butterfly, fluttering from one hip party to another and illustrates this with an endless stream of enticing pictures which are photoshopped to create dazzling cinematic effects. The Visual Aider also delights in telling you about her perfect boyfriend and how he does perfect things for her in their perfect little life. Until they break up of course, which will then result in the Visual Aider writing a long, melodramatic and grammatically challenged soliloquy. (Don't worry, they'll reconcile within two days.)

The advantage of this type of blog is that one need not be encumbered by intellectual or even grammatical deficiencies, all you need are pleasing aesthetics, a cameraman and a dictionary. Occasionally, the Visual Aider will use some words in between the pictures but this is nothing to worry about. This is to show that she is not only beautiful but also intelligent and is smart enough to incorporate puns or jokes she found using Google. This form of blog is the most popular kind in Malaysia. Some have even evolved from pure bloggers to C-list celebrities through their forays into the entertainment industry. If their vivid imagery and clever use of the thesaurus doesn't generate enough traffic, they resort to starting blog wars with other female bloggers.

The other type of female blogger is what we shall call the "Intellectual Idealist". The Intellectual Idealist does not share the Visual Aider's fondness for attention and photography but feels the burning need to vent her frustrations and dissatisfaction with the world at large through her vagina monologues. She is opinionated, very well read (Austen is her favourite author of course), has lofty ambitions and great expectations of her future partner (if he should ever come). Their blogs frequently contain phrases such as "I just haven't found a man who can fulfill my intellectual and emotional needs" or "I believe in true love. On my own terms". These tortured Intellectuals generally intimidate the average Malaysian man and represent the largest customer segment for Malaysian bookstores. They also have the potential of either becoming bitter old spinsters or members of Parliament.

Men on the other hand, are very straightforward when it comes to blogs. Due to the fact that Malaysian men generally don't read (blogs), when they do it's only for appreciation & stimulation purposes. The only niche for male bloggers to succeed is by running a personal blog that ridicules oneself and provides crude humor to the public. Alternately, you could provide a blog dispensing information on IT and technological devices, politics (high risk) or food. But bear in mind you will never garner as much traffic as Visual Aid blogs. This is because the value of blogs in Malaysia are determined not by their content, but by the traffic they generate. It is important to note that Malaysian blog readers are very loyal to the bloggers they idolise and would not dream of reading other blogs unless they have been told to do so by the ruling blogosphere elite.

It is imperative that you recognise a Malaysian blogger's efforts as nothing short of Pulitzer Prize material and that his or her musings are profoundly insightful. Anything short of pedestal placing on your part will result in a very negative post dedicated to you. Honest to blog.

Further reading on Internet phenomenon here and here.

Facebook Group- Malaysianisms

Dear readers,

Thanks to your tremendous support of Malaysianisms, we have started an official Facebook group for this blog under "Malaysianisms- Stuff Malaysian People Like". It's an open group for everyone to share their own Malaysianisms and we would love for all of you to join. Spread the word and enlighten your friends!

Click here for the group.

Happy reading!

B.H.

#15 Going To The Gym

The pursuit of fitness and a healthy lifestyle has never been more prevalent in Malaysia, what with the sporadically growing number of gyms and fitness centers with thousands of people who patron them. While these attempts to achieve a sense of well being are certainly commendable, the underlying reasons are less than genuine. To most, a gym membership is simply a license to proudly exclaim "I'm going to the gym!".

Women, visit the gym to alleviate their guilt over their weight and don't actually do much exercise at the gym. But the mere knowledge of their membership allows them to overindulge at meals ("It's ok, I can have this, I'll just work it off at the gym tomorrow!") and share anecdotes with friends and colleagues ("I'm going to the gym every damn day but I 'm not losing any weight! But on the bright side, I met this really cute guy").

Men, visit the gym to satisfy their partners demands and portray the image that they have a well balanced life ("Dude, I hit the gym everyday after 12 hours at work. My body is a frickin' temple and it deserves to be worshipped!"). And of course, the opportunity to prey on insecure women with facetious praise ("You're on a diet? No way. If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?"). Having a gym membership basically allows both sexes the subconscious freedom to overeat, smoke and abuse their bodies while retaining their right to complain about their busy lifestyles ("Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a well-rounded perfectionist. Seriously, I have no time for anyone anymore").

This trend looks set to stay given the competitive nature of Malaysians to outdo one another and tendency to self-promote whenever possible. To capitalise on this, ply the Malaysian with admiration and praise ("Your gym sessions are really paying off. I could never manage my time as well as you"). This will fill the Malaysian with the acknowledgement and self-satisfaction that they desperately crave and reassures them that they are oh-so-special.